Well, now that I've had my time to cry, and cry, and cry some more, and stay up all night crying (much to Hubby's delight, I assure you), I'm going to try to take a brief respite to get out a few thoughts.
Red seemed fine Wednesday, Thursday, and almost all of Friday. BO checked him at 8:30pm Friday and since he looked ok, and had been acting ok for the past two days, did not go down to check him again at 10. Saturday morning, BM said his stall was a mess as if he'd had a very uncomfortable night. Regardless, he seemed to go through the rest of the morning without any noticable issues.
When we got to the barn to check on him at 1:30, he had just come down to the run-in and was starting to roll. We brought him in to his stall and almost immediately gave him the first 4cc of torb. I walked him for forty five minutes with him only getting worse and worse so we gave him the last 4cc and I called the vet to confer. She didn't have anything new to offer, so we basically went through everything over the past week then decided if he didn't start showing any improvement within thirty minutes, call her back and she'd be out to put him down.
I think I'd kind of prepared myself for this since last Sunday. I honestly thought we were calling the vet out then to have Red put down, so to have another week with him was at least a small blessing. I knew for sure when we first brought him in yesterday that if I had to have the vet come back out, it was going to be for the last time. At first, I was absolutely furious with everyone. It still doesn't seem fair to me that I'd done everything I could for this horse his whole life and he'd never been sick a single fucking day and now I was going to have to lose him over something I couldn't fix.
The vet was amazing when she came out. She asked a few questions about his pain level, did a rectal to see if the ulcer had perforated (it had) and told me she would have given him less than 24 hours if I hadn't planned on putting him down anyway. I'm sure it's the same for every other horse owner, but it really calmed me down and made me feel better when she said that, and told me that I was absolutely doing the right thing.
He went down very slowly and was gone in less than a minute. She told me he didn't have a lot of fight left in him.
I don't know that I've really admitted to myself that he's gone forever. He's not on vacation, he's not laid up, he's just not coming back. I got a good hunk of his tail to make a bracelet out of, and I know whenever I get on another horse, he's always going to be with me. For all the naughtiness and misery he put me through, I have never been as confident on any horse and I know I never will be. He was my heart horse.
BO and I discussed "Another Horse" today. She said that I was free to ride Spyder whenever I wanted whether I had a horse there or not, and that she has a woman that's looking to half lease a horse out that needs training. He's a 4yo OTTB that's been off the track for awhile, but hasn't started retraining. She thought I'd be perfect for him and it would only be $200/mo. That might be an option, but probably not. When I get another horse, I want it to be mine. Hubby and I are looking at a couple right now. I feel kind of guilty about looking so soon, but it's almost theraputic.
This blog isn't even close to over, so stay tuned, lovely readers. Hopefully I'll have some happy pony news to report before long.