Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Rerouting

Things have been quiet on the blogging Bobby front because I've been feeling a little lot lost as far as goal setting and reaching is going. Lay down a killer practice dressage test? Meh. Who cares. My horse won't do a leg yield anymore so I don't think that dressage show is happening in a couple of weeks. Why even bother dressaging if I can't do it at First? Jumped around a few 3'3" jumps with literally no issues? Whatever. I don't even give a fuck.

So I'm reevaluating this year's goals and ambitions.

I set up my show schedule perfectly for a move up to Training. Like, I'm seriously impressed with myself on how well I got it sorted out. But...where last year I was anxious to get the move up over with already, and I was really disappointed at how our season ended so abruptly, this time I really don't care.

maybe i'll save all my show funds to purchase bobby a fancier cart.
no, i won't. 

Do I want to show at Training? Yes. Absolutely. But do I want to stress over the costs of showing and hauling, or worrying about how one bad jumping round will derail the set in stone and so pretty and perfect schedule? Nope.

Does it gut me that this year might be yet another yet where Bobby and I tool around at Novice? Actually, not really.

Part of me is disappointed that I'm not rolling in money and able to take weekly lessons, add shows on the fly, and pack in a full schedule that an idiot could move up to Training on. But the money situation is not something that's going to magically change, so that's a pretty stupid thing to get hung up on.

Another part of me is feeling the pressure of not being as good as "my peers"--those imaginary people who I think are silently judging me but do not give an actual fuck about anything I do--of not showing bigger, but that shouldn't be a factor in doing anything anyway. (But it is because my mind is always like, "JUDGING. I AM JUDGING YOU.")

And yet another part of me is just twitching to erase such a pretty looking show schedule. Boo hoo.

Mostly though, I just want to go back to a few years ago where every show I went to was fun because I wasn't putting any pressure on myself. Everything was a learning process, and okay that stadium round wasn't the prettiest, or that cross country round made me feel nauseous leaving the start box, but by the time I was rolling around course, I was having a blast. Yay, we just completed a BN course without dying! Not "Fuck, I just scored a fucking thirty five on my dressage test. Fail. Fuck, that stadium round was the worst thing ever. Fuck, Bobby just stopped at that 3' fence on a massive downhill slope because I just sat there feeling sorry for myself about something that happened ten minutes ago. MY HORSE IS A FAILURE."

That shit isn't fun for anyone.

remember when not dying was an achievement worth celebrating?!

So I guess the new goal is to pick shows that I actually want to go to, and then go to them with the mindset of "Yay, I love being an eventer! If I ride well, my horse rocks at all the things!" If I feel like we're bored to death at Novice and a good event to go Training at comes up then all the better. Until then, I've scratched the previous (I just typed in precious instead. See? Even my fingers were impressed with this year's planning.) schedule and have penciled in a cross country schooling at the end of the month, possibly another lesson with Sam, and the first show at our fave venue instead of the rolling wilds of Plantation (where I can easily lose an extra $100 in gas money to get to even though it's closer in mileage than BH).

And that is literally it so far. Maybe now I can stop feeling sorry for poor old me and start blogging about poor old Bobby again.

15 comments:

  1. I think that should be all of our goals. Pick shows we want to go to, ride the best we can, and have fun. No pressure!

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  2. You could always mix it up with a few limited distance rides ;-)

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  3. That picture is seriously priceless. I really have to reset my goal list as well and follow suit of the rest of you. But agreed. I want to fit in my show clothes and have some fun this summer. I'm losing time though!

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  4. "remember when not dying was an achievement worth celebrating?!" <--- I love this SO MUCH! BWAHAHAHAHA!

    I am seriously where you are. Eventing is just sort of meh - I'm just not as psyched about it as I once was. So I'm picking fun, cheap shows and we are rocking the boring-as-watching-grass-grow Training level dressage. Who cares what we're doing as long as it's fun?!? Do what you want and enjoy yourself and Bobby. :)

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  5. I didn't even set a goal list. I'm that motivated.

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  6. Yes! I totally understand this. I just don't have the money to compete and lesson like I'd like but why dwell on it when I can just do what I can do and have fun. Thanks!

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  7. I think it's funny (and kind of sad) how we put so much pressure on ourselves and how we get so worked up over something that is supposed to be a fun hobby! I do the same thing, I've been evaluating the show schedule all winter... how many shows at my current level before I move up? How many at that level? Which venues? Which judges? Do I spend more on the more expensive grain/supplement/shoes/boots/etc or should I save the money for the inevitable intensive therapy I'll need from being such a crazy horse person for so many years?

    It's good that you're able to reevaluate goals! And sometimes taking the pressure off can be HUGE in allowing you to take the steps forward that you need to :) good luck!

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  8. You're a wise woman. I too suffer from thinking that everyone is judging me... what the hell?! We jump horses over sticks for fun. FOR FUN. Go enjoy Bobby. Do whatever the heck you want.

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  9. IMHO horses are too damn expensive to not enjoy. I know you love Bobby (deep down, most days, haha) and that riding and showing is fun for you, but you've gotta find a way to enjoy it at least 85-90% of the time.

    We all get in ruts where shit sucks, but at the end of the day, you've gotta be able to still smile :-)

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  10. I hear you.

    And I wish I had the motivation to say more, but I don't.

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  11. Are there any eventers in the area like you? I was so lucky to meet my best friend who happens to live down the street - also an eventer. We trailer share and it saves us tonnes in gas. It also makes showing super fun - support system so that no matter how bad your day is - you still have fun.

    I find once you start doing well...the fun of "just being there" changes. That annoys me too...I am also trying to not care so much about goals and where I place...but it's hard.

    Maybe put an ad out and look for like minded people in your area? Perhaps there are some schooling events or cross country trials you could hit up.

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  12. Part of what makes shows fun is the fact that it's your moment to try and do your very best. For some that means not dying (luckily I have moved past that stage), for some that means improving on your performance from the last time (my current stage), and for some that means placing well and getting points and such (not sure if I'll ever get to that stage). If the pressure of trying to do your best does not appeal to you, then think about what does. Is it the wind in your hair as you head down to the XC? If so, then just do schoolings - they're cheaper anyway. If its the atmosphere and watching high level riders, then go and volunteer. We pay too much money for this sport to be anything other than FUN. Hope you can find that fun and grab it.

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  13. Your last paragraph. It should be fun if we are hemorrhaging money for it, and sometimes it isn't, and sometimes we have to fake it until we make it but where do we draw a line? I wish I could hang out with you, I wish I had a barn full of cool blog people to hang out with to make the processes of shit being fun again happen. Sometimes its just too fucking hard.

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  14. I'm working with this horse whose owners are pushing me really hard to show him... And he's not ready. He's schooling second level movements, sure, but they aren't *quality*. Not even close. It's made me super stressed when I ride him, and he's one of my favorites to school. Ugh. I know the pressure we put on ourselves.

    As to the leg yield - freaking horses are ridiculous. I wish I could comprehend them sometimes.

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