Friday, May 23, 2014

How to Properly Prepare for a Horse Show

Step 1: Give your horse plenty of time off. How much time? Enough that you don't remember the last time you actually put in a training ride. Does that bareback ride in a halter around the driveway to check for soundness count? No.

Step 2: When you do finally get back on, make sure it's no more than two days before show day. Don't usually ride the day before a show? Even better! Change that tried and true method this time around.

Step 3: You have a new dressage test to learn! Have you seen it before? ....Hello? Have you? Okay, good. It would be deviating from your excellent preparation skills if you have. Better run through that once. Your horse is being a colossal asshole? On to the next step.

Step 4: This is a w/t/c test. Your horse hasn't been ridden for at least a week. When he thinks he's a racehorse, get into a fight with him. This w/t/c test is starting to look a lot like a circus performance. Check that off the list; dressage practice done!

Step 5: You're about to jump around a 3' course. Surely you'd better let your horse at least look at a cross rail so he knows that poles are used for more than just the boundary line of a dressage ring.

Step 6: First cross country course in a year? First time you've even left the start box in a year? Does your horse even know what a real cross country jump is anymore? Eh, don't worry about it. Just wing it. It's only Novice after all. Stop. Stop that hysterical laughter. You're freaking me out.

after all, you're riding a champion event horse here.
look at the face. that's the face of a winner.

ignore the fact that his brakes rarely work.

Step 7: Clean tack; clean trailer; retrieve water bucket from across the yard where you flung it upon discovering those things you thought were seedlings were actually freshly hatched spiders (FUCK); clean horse again; and even though the horse is sound, pack his feet with magical paste of goodness one last time.

Step 8: The horse doesn't get his feel good candy three days out from a show. But someone has to use those expensive pills. Don't let them go to waste! See? Now you'll sleep like a baby instead of wondering if this is really the best way to go about showing. Have fun and don't die!

17 comments:

  1. Sounds about right! And eff spiders. I probably would have lit the bucket on fire.

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  2. Yeah, buckets are what, like $10? I would pay $20 to not deal with freshly hatched spiders!

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  3. You will do well :)

    Good luck!

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  4. Ummm.... I would replace that bucket! Otherwise, sounds like you're ready.... good luck! ;)

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  5. You mean some people have a different process? Cause your list is usually how I roll :/

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  6. Sounds perfectly legit to me! Except that i would have gleefully drowned the spiderlings. :)

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  7. Which event are you doing?

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    1. Burgundy Hollow. If this goes well, I'll probably do Plantation on the 8th.

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    2. I'll be grooming for a friend at Plantation on the 8th! See you and Bobby there. :)

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  8. Eh, getting over prepared is stressful and boring. It sounds like you're doing everything right ;)

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  9. At least your tack and trailer were clean...? :P

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  10. Sounds like a solid plan. Can't wait for the wrap up!

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  12. You guys will do great! You've been training for months; he'll be fine with 1 week off before the event. Endurance riders do it on purpose. ;) Good luck, and looking forward to hearing how it goes!

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  13. Can't wait to hear how this turns out! :) Good luck!

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  14. You forgot step 8a (to be done before the happy pills): nurse a bottle of wine while looking at horrific videos online of people crashing on horseback and while half-assedly penning your next blog post. Then, once the anxiety has risen to a near crest, you take the horse's crazy pills.

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If you can't say anything nice, fuck off.