Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Fucking Fuckity Fuck Fuck

Alternate Title: Not sure if I'm going to lose weight because I'm so tightly wound I feel like puking all the time, or if I'm going to gain ten thousands pounds from stress eating candy nonstop.

But clearly too long for a title, so there you are.

"hai, i love cookies and making everyone
SUPER CONFUSED about how i'm still alive!"

Saturday morning I was out and about at the barn helping set up for the next day's hunter pace when the barn worker texted me that Bobby looked more lame than usual and did I want him to go outside. I scurried back inside to take a look for myself. Everyone at the barn is pretty familiar with Bobby's various stages of "What in the actual fuck is going on with your leg/foot? Oh well, just look the other way!" so I knew he actually had to be lame lame for her to ask. Sure enough he was gimpy as fuck on the RF, but looked perky otherwise so I tossed him out.

On Sunday he looked about the same, but I gave him some bute after body clipping him anyway. Then I drove home and had a crying panic attack that I was going to come out Monday to see my horse covered in weeping sores from generalized sarcoidosis because when Cornell shaved his leg to ultrasound it, it set it off again.

Spoiler Alert: Didn't happen. His coat looks just as lovely as before, it's just not causing him heat stroke any longer.

except when we do intense rollies and get it filthy

He looked a little ouchy still on Monday, but nothing to be concerned about as Farrier was coming out today to do him anyway.

When I went to feed him breakfast Tuesday, he stood still in the middle of his stall on an island of shavings he'd pushed together before slowly shuffling over to his bucket to eat. I gave him the hairy eye and quickly finished up graining everyone else before investigating further.

I keep my emotions pretty in check when it comes to Bobby's various lameness cycles--at least while I'm at the barn. (I do a lot of crying in my car.) I'm more the type of person to dive in and tackle an emergency calmly head on and then freak the fuck out about it later. On Tuesday I pulled the Back on Track wrap off (Generously donated by Archie!), didn't see anything out of the ordinary on Bobby's ever swollen-ish leg, and moved on to his foot.

I check his feet every day for signs of heat from laminitis or cold from detachment--both things we're constantly concerned about. Nothing felt out of the ordinary, so I picked it up and dug around. Once his foot was clean, I looked at it from one direction. Then another. Then from over there, and over here. I tried to get some pictures of what I thought I might be seeing and sent them to Farrier--at seven in the morning because I'm that client.

"Not to be an alarmist, but I think I'm seeing some sinking of the sole on the right side of Bobby's foot. Should I be being an alarmist about this?"

And then I went into full alarmist mode anyway because what the fuck do I know about how to treat a horse that might be foundering? NOTHING. I KNOW NOTHING.

fucking coronary band getting worse by the day and no one knows whyyyy

Farrier texted me back right away because that's the type of farrier she is and told me to slow down the alarmist bells. Was his foot hot? No. Was he standing tucked under himself? No, but he doesn't want to move in his stall and is awfully fucking shifty. Was the sole actually soft and sinking or was I just imagining things? ...I don't know, I could just be imagining things.

She suggested it could just be an abscess, but since she was going to be out first thing the next day she thought he'd be okay to wait. I went full on founder protocol anyway. I iced, I packed his foot, MOAR ICE, MOAR PACKING, BM bedded his stall to his eye balls, I gave him bute, and we cancelled his grain dinner.

By late afternoon he was still lame, but he was able to walk down the aisle to the wash stall without any resistance or trouble. With that much improvement, I didn't call the vet and updated Farrier that he was looking better.

barn cat here for your moral support needs. snuggles R free.

This morning he didn't look great in his stall again, but he was more mobile than the morning before. Farrier arrived bright and early and went right in his stall to begin poking around herself. She didn't feel any heat either and wasn't too concerned with the sole. She didn't think we were dealing with a laminitic episode quite yet and still thought abscess was the best bet....but the abscess was likely an off shoot of something going very wrong inside the foot and not just some foreign object causing discomfort.

Shoes off, there was no sign of separation, and he was willing to put full weight on it. Farrier looked at it some more before asking if I would be okay if she brought someone else in to take a look because she was out of ideas. Um, yes, duh. Someone please just make my horse sound. She cut him a pad from 4" thick foam and taped it on until Other Farrier could come out in the next day or two. His LF heels were starting to contract a bit from the wedge on that foot (Oh yeah, remember how he has navicular too?) so she tacked a flat aluminum shoe on and moved on to trim his hinds.

duct tape and foam. hmm, i could be a farrier if
it were this easy!

When she was out last week working on other horses, she asked how Bobby was doing and I was like, "LOLZ, I think he's starting to go neurological actually." And there was much LOLing because why not just add something else catastrophic to Bobby's list of medical marvels?

But I was only kind of kidding.

While warming up, whenever he'd circle his hind end would disappear for a step before he caught himself. Once he was warmed up and collected it wasn't an issue. He could circle and do all the lateral work without any problems, so I didn't give it much credence. Maybe he was just stiff, or sore, or needed another chiro visit. Bobby's stifles have always been a big weakness on him, although this felt more overall hind end than his usual stifle problems.

Turning in the aisle has never been something he does gracefully--something Vet knows to ignore because it's just him--so I didn't see anything there to raise alarm bells. Only now in his stall I was starting to see him pull his leg across to itch his face on it and leave it crossed.

When Farrier went to ask him to step aside to center back in the aisle, he didn't budge at first so she gave him a push on his haunches. His hind leg crossed over and he nearly fell down before managing to get his legs sorted out and catch himself. Farrier froze and stared at me.

I must have looked as awesome as I felt because she quickly joked, "No, he's fine, Carly! He's not neuro! He's not going to founder! That right foot is just fine! Everything is fine with him!"

is his leg eating his foot or his foot eating his leg?

Since the initial diagnosis in May, it's always been a matter of when and not if we were going to have to put him down. Bobby has been doing his best to turn back every new malady that his freaky body can come up with, but it was clear pretty early on that eventually that foot was not going to hold out.

Farrier said she'd try to get him through laminitis when it comes--and it will come--if that's what I wanted, but pointed out that there wasn't going to be any hope on the other side if he made it through. He'd still have sarcoidosis. He'd still have navicular. He'd still have this crazy coronary band set to detach at any time. He could be neurological. He could founder again.

It doesn't matter. I won't let him go through that. If we can't get him sound in short order, Bobby's time has come. I'm not ready. I'm never going to be ready. That won't stop me from making the right choice for my horse to repay him for everything he's given me.

forever the nosiest, most personable and obnoxious horse

46 comments:

  1. i'm not ready either :( oh carly, i'm so sorry. c'mon bobby, we need you to get your shit together bro!!!!

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  2. *hug*

    You're the most amazing Bobby-mom. If I can donate any supplies via mail, please let me know. My heart hurts from those last couple of paragraphs, and I wish there was something I could do to help. I'll be willing him to pull another recovery out of the bag for you <3

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  3. Shit Carly I'm so sorry. Big hugs for you. <3

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  4. After having to euthanize my older OTTB (also my first horse) this past summer, my very wise and seasoned horse friend said it best, "It never gets easier to let them go, just knowing when to let go becomes more obvious."

    I recognize the sick feeling you are carrying around all too well. Disease and lameness rob us of so many good ones. Sending all the prayers, good vibes and juju your way.

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  5. Jesus Bobby! Can't we all just go like, a week, without your medical marvels? I mean, it IS mad impressive, but seriously?!

    <3

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  6. Oh god! Sending you a ton of hugs. This is a whole new level of shitastrophe and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. <3

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  7. I'm so sorry, Carly. Lots of hugs your way.

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  8. I know it's no consolation, but you're doing the right thing and Bobby is very, very lucky to have you as his mom. I've been there. It's super shitty and it just sucks to feel so damn helpless. There are no words. Hugs from all of us at Wyvern Oaks.

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  9. I'm so sorry. You are being so brave and Bobby is lucky to have the best mom.

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  10. I don't much about anything, but I do know where Archie gets his regular ring bone injections. It looks like, after the coronet band continues swelling, that's the area that would be next to be compromised.

    If he doesn't have another quick, miraculous recovery (please, Bobby, please), know that you've gone above and beyond for this horse. He's given you so much, but you've also done so much for him. We're never ready. Never. They say it doesn't get easier, we get stronger.

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  11. Carly, I don't even really know what to say. Every time you post, I'm either delighted or my stomach crumples up inside me. Bobby has been such a cool dude to follow along, and I'm always amazed at all of the work and love and sweat and tears you poor into your relationship. He couldn't have asked for a better person, so I hope you know that.

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  12. Hugs to you, this is a super shitty turn of events. I am so sorry.

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  13. Oh Carly, I'm so sorry, that's just unbearably fucking shitty

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  14. Tell Bobby to get his insane body back together right now! I'm so incredibly sorry you two are dealing with this, and am sending all the best. So many hugs for you during this crazy!

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  15. Oh I'm so sorry. Poor Bobby. Poor you. I hope he pulls through it, but if he doesn't you've done the best for him.

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  16. Oh Carly 😢 Hoping farrier bringing out another set of eyes helps Bobby continue to beat the odds.... but if not, Bobby couldn't have a better owner. For nursing him through each new medical marvel while keeping him happy, and if that fails, knowing when to stop. Thinking of you both, sending all the good vibes imaginable.

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  17. You've been through hell and high water for this guy (and back, several times) and even to me, who's never met either of you in person, this is a total gut punch. Can't imagine how you're feeling.

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  18. Oh, I'm so, so very sorry. You have fought so hard for him and done the absolute best by him that anyone could.

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  19. My sympathies Carly. You are a good soul to put his needs in front

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  20. UGH. I have no idea how you are dealing with all of this. Hopefully the new farrier will have some brilliant ideas! Sending you and Bobby all the good vibes!

    Kelly @ HunkyHanoverian

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  21. C'mon, Bobby, you've got this. <3 Rooting for him, Carly. He's a tough old man. This was where I was with my mare last month when I just knew it was her time and it totally fucking blows. :-(
    You will know in your heart and we all know you will do the right thing for Bobby always. *hugs*

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  22. Oh my Carly. My heart aches for you both. I'm much like you with the handling stressful situations calmly and freaking out later, I completely relate. I really hope you're able to squeak out some quality time with him feeling as comfortable as you can make him.

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  23. Hoping for a few more Miracle Bobby moments!!! But no matter what you've done such a wonderful job with him and the memories will always be there.

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  24. Ahhhhhh shit. :( Many hugs from afar. You're on my mind.

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  25. Reading this made me determine that the title you went with is the perfect title. I'm so sorry.

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  26. shit.

    Hugs and boxes of tissues. And my car to cry in.

    And yes, you are doing a great job taking care of him.

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  27. You're probably the best horse mom I know.
    I'm so sorry.

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  28. I'm not ready either, but I have so much respect for you. Lots of love your way, and honestly just hope he magically is better again and I see pictures of y'all jumping things on Instagram by the weekend.

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  29. No one is ready for Bobby to go. You are an amazing mom.

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  30. Fuck, Carly. I am so sorry. I'm hoping for a good outcome for both you and Bobby.

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  31. Fuck is right Carly. I'm so so sorry for you guys and even sadder now that I've met him and know what a wonderful guy he is. Sending lots of support and hugs.

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  32. I'm really sorry. It's the worst decision to have to make. Trust your gut, you'll know...big huge hugs. Bobby, pull it together, son!

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  33. You've done the best by him through all of this and you continue to do so. I'm sorry it's come down to this. Hugs and prayers for you both.

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  34. I'm just sending you lots and lots of hugs and love - you got this Bobby!! 💙💙💙💙

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  35. He shouldn't even be IN a textbook, he needs to BE the textbook. You've done a great job by him despite his many expensive and weird-ass attempts at trying to die, and I know there's no good time to let him go. Hugs to you and the moose.

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  36. Crossing everything hard for another Bobby Miracle resulting in many more quality days with you.

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  37. Dammit Bobby, you are a miracle. Stop acting like a broken critter! I am sorry and I hope you know you are doing everything possible for the big moose. What a shitty situation :(

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  38. Carly, very sorry to hear this. Hugs for both you and Bobby. Sincerely wishing you guys all the best :)

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If you can't say anything nice, fuck off.