So I'm reevaluating this year's goals and ambitions.
I set up my show schedule perfectly for a move up to Training. Like, I'm seriously impressed with myself on how well I got it sorted out. But...where last year I was anxious to get the move up over with already, and I was really disappointed at how our season ended so abruptly, this time I really don't care.
|maybe i'll save all my show funds to purchase bobby a fancier cart.|
no, i won't.
Do I want to show at Training? Yes. Absolutely. But do I want to stress over the costs of showing and hauling, or worrying about how one bad jumping round will derail the set in stone and so pretty and perfect schedule? Nope.
Does it gut me that this year might be yet another yet where Bobby and I tool around at Novice? Actually, not really.
Part of me is disappointed that I'm not rolling in money and able to take weekly lessons, add shows on the fly, and pack in a full schedule that an idiot could move up to Training on. But the money situation is not something that's going to magically change, so that's a pretty stupid thing to get hung up on.
Another part of me is feeling the pressure of not being as good as "my peers"--those imaginary people who I think are silently judging me but do not give an actual fuck about anything I do--of not showing bigger, but that shouldn't be a factor in doing anything anyway. (But it is because my mind is always like, "JUDGING. I AM JUDGING YOU.")
And yet another part of me is just twitching to erase such a pretty looking show schedule. Boo hoo.
Mostly though, I just want to go back to a few years ago where every show I went to was fun because I wasn't putting any pressure on myself. Everything was a learning process, and okay that stadium round wasn't the prettiest, or that cross country round made me feel nauseous leaving the start box, but by the time I was rolling around course, I was having a blast. Yay, we just completed a BN course without dying! Not "Fuck, I just scored a fucking thirty five on my dressage test. Fail. Fuck, that stadium round was the worst thing ever. Fuck, Bobby just stopped at that 3' fence on a massive downhill slope because I just sat there feeling sorry for myself about something that happened ten minutes ago. MY HORSE IS A FAILURE."
That shit isn't fun for anyone.
|remember when not dying was an achievement worth celebrating?!|
So I guess the new goal is to pick shows that I actually want to go to, and then go to them with the mindset of "Yay, I love being an eventer! If I ride well, my horse rocks at all the things!" If I feel like we're bored to death at Novice and a good event to go Training at comes up then all the better. Until then, I've scratched the previous (I just typed in precious instead. See? Even my fingers were impressed with this year's planning.) schedule and have penciled in a cross country schooling at the end of the month, possibly another lesson with Sam, and the first show at our fave venue instead of the rolling wilds of Plantation (where I can easily lose an extra $100 in gas money to get to even though it's closer in mileage than BH).
And that is literally it so far. Maybe now I can stop feeling sorry for poor old me and start blogging about poor old Bobby again.