"Boohoo me" was the theme.
|bobby's new turnout buddy.|
Hubby made a lot of really good points, and he really made me evaluate where I'm at with my riding right now and where I want to end up. What's my end goal with this whole thing? Do I want to be a solid Training rider for the rest of my life? If so, that's great, but how do I plan on getting there?
For me, that was the hardest question. I've been feeling so let down after every time I jump. Even if things go well and while jumping I feel good about it, both before and after I feel just...blah. Do I even want to jump anymore? And of course no more jumping would mean no more eventing.
When I first started eventing with Bobby, I enjoyed it. I liked that we were progressing from one show to the next, and I felt like we were headed places. I've never been under the impression we'd be winning Prelim at the AECs, but I did feel like we were on the right track to steadily move up the levels until I felt like one of us maxed out. Then this year happened, and I'm at a total loss. A large part of me is like, "Who needs eventing anyway?" Is it just the horse that's knocked my confidence down several holes? Or is this really no longer something I have a desire to compete in?
But then my crazy, competitive, control freak, "You will FAIL if you quit eventing, you failing quitter!" side kicks in.
All those other people that event are better than you. They didn't quit.
What are you going to say to people when they ask you what discipline you ride? The quitter discipline?
You just bought a jumping saddle. Good eye on a poor buy, dip shit. Way to waste money.
Are those good enough reasons to keep doing something? Because I'm afraid other people will judge me, even when my rational side goes "WTF are you talking about, crazy person?!"
Taking away the jumping, I know I do enjoy dressage. I enjoy seeing my horse moving well, and I enjoy the challenge of getting him stronger and fancier. But is that good enough for me--is that good enough for the crazy train that runs through my head? I don't knoooow.
I think what's making coherent thoughts form in my brain a difficult task is not having someone to talk to that knows what I'm going through. Hubby mostly understands from my point of view, but in the end he's not really a horse person, and he's not doing this day in and day out. My barn mates are great people, but not a one of them events. It's a H/J barn with a few western riders thrown into the mix. I can't go up to a thirteen year old and be like, "Hey. Let's have a deep discussion about how I'm riding at Novice, and whether that's the right place for me to be right now. How do you think our jumping is progressing? Can you give me some advice about nerves on cross country?"
Following that train of thought, it's of course even harder not having a trainer to work with--someone to help me set goals and parameters and help me figure out what the hell I'm doing. BO does really well with her clientele. Her kids always bring in ribbons when they show, and they wrack up the championships at the end of the year. But again--hunter riders. Not to mention I tried dressage lessons with her last year and her teaching just didn't click with me. Going down that route again isn't an option for me at this point. I know it's easy for you to sit there and tell me to trailer out to a different trainer, but in reality it's not nearly as simple as that.
In the end, this entire year has been a complete waste of money and time. We got nothing out of three of the four shows I did. Instead of progressing, or even plateauing, we went flying backwards in a dozen different areas. I'm the type of person that likes being good at something. I don't have to be the best, but if I don't feel like I'm keeping up with the proverbial Joneses, then it's not for me. I'm not happy with my jumping right now. I am happy with how the dressage is coming along. So I guess the short term goal is to nix any organized jumping and spend my time protecting Sir Princess Toes in the indoor doing flat work.
I can't say I'm happy with that decision because I still don't know what my long term goal is. That's the next step, I guess.
Someone get me a Xanax.