A Lesson

That's right, kids. It happened--the thing I said I would never do.

I took a jump lesson from my BO.

You can go way, way back in the blog and read why I quit lessoning with my BO if you want, but I'm not going to rehash it now. I will say that over the past two years since my last lesson with her, she has changed most of the things that made me cross her off the list. So when my ride started veering towards disaster yesterday, and I knew I had a little extra money available from this paycheck, I simply got off my horse and scheduled a time to ride with her.

trying to give his kitty some kisses.
the kitty is all, "fuck off, horse."

Let me give you a quick run down of what happened yesterday first. And it will be quick because it was just the same old shit. I had a low (2'), wide oxer set up to warm up over, and then a three jump grid that started with an X and then was one stride to a vertical, one stride to another vertical--all very low.

Bobby was ridden last Monday, had all week off because of the weather, and was ridden long and hard on Sunday (We won't even go there for that ride. It was a complete write off.). He pretty much never gives me trouble coming back into work after time off, but I stuck him on the longe first anyway to see if he wanted to get any crazies out. Nope. He was golden.

"bobby! come to me!"
"pass."

However, warming up in the canter he was super strong. I did manage to get that regulated without too much fuss, and we took to the oxer. He was quick, but I didn't feel like he was being particularly rude. We moved on to angling the last jump of the grid each way a few times. For that he was a complete fucking lunatic. I threw placement poles out on either side of the oxer and took him over that a few more times to try to slow him down. That went okay, so I moved on to the grid.

He was a holy fucking terror through it. I don't even know how he managed not to bowl through the whole fucking thing. At that point I got off, went up to the barn to call BO, and set up a time for this afternoon.

I really, really want to improve my jumping this year. Can we make it to the other side without any stops or pulling rails? Pretty much always. But we're seriously lacking in finesse and often in control. I told BO what the problem was, and that the main thing I wanted out of my lesson was just feedback on what she saw--what am I doing wrong? What is Bobby doing wrong? Is his rushing the fence really as bad as it feels?

"but i will wait patiently here for you while you slog your way to me."
also, you should see the ghetto as shit blanket set up he's got going on right now to
combat the fact that his wardrobe keeps getting eaten.

I set up the exact same jumps from yesterday on the off chance he started out like a gem. BO had me drop the oxer to an X to start and remove the middle element from the grid. As I warmed up, she made me focus on softening my lower back and told me not to worry if it felt like I was sloppy--I needed to loosen the fuck up.

We started off with the X from the trot and halted immediately after with lots of pats for Bobby so he didn't get flustered. I've actually ridden in front of BO tons of times, so she knows Bobby pretty well. Like, don't ever get Bobby anxious because it is the end of times. We did that twice to the left without any trouble so we switched directions and picked up the canter.

And then it all just fell apart, but...in a good way?

BO immediately picked up on the problem. We turn into the jump. Bobby sees the jump and lifts his head. That throws me off balance ever so slightly so I close my leg to steady myself ever so slightly. Bobby says leg means go, and he goes. I say slow the fuck down and try to slow him down. Bobby says WTF DO YOU WANT YOU CRAZY BITCH YOU JUST SAID GO. And then we're on the other side of the fence, but it wasn't pretty getting there.

I am so subconsciously closing my leg on him that even with BO pointing out the exact moment I did it, I couldn't feel it for about the first thirty times. Literally.

I took this horse from not being able to canter the long side of the outdoor to reading the most subtle of leg aids. That's what dressage gets you. It gets you a horse that's too well fucking in-tune to his rider. Damn you, dressage! Damn you, sensitive horse, forcing me to ride better so I don't hurt your brain!

how puppies ride in trucks.

To the left, we were golden. To the right, I couldn't fucking do it. I finally lowered the X to just a ground pole in hopes that it would help my brain. It sort of did. BO finally found a mantra to call out to me on approach that resonated in my stupid head--"Sit back, sit back, SIT BACK!!!!" That helped me keep my balance, and kept me from leaning forward that minuscule inch I wasn't aware of.

We were able to finish up with me being so quiet, Bobby walked over the pole from a canter. I gave him heaps of praise for putting up with all the repetition without losing his shit (although BO made us take lots of on the buckle walk breaks for that exact reason).

BO ended up not charging me for the lesson because I'm such a helper (lolz), so I went ahead and decided to spend my money anyway by taking another lesson Sunday where hopefully Hubby can come out and video me so I can see what I'm changing without realizing it. I should be able to fit in one more jump school to work on sitting chilly in the meantime.

Dudes, breaking old habits is the hardest thing in the world.

When is it time to grow up?

I started off my morning in a foul mood. The two inches of fresh snow on the ground was nothing, especially since it quickly warmed up enough to skip icing all together and go straight to melting rain. I board at a barn with an indoor, so I was really looking forward to taking advantage of using it while riding in this lovely 36* weather--especially since it's supposed to drop back down to the teens tomorrow.

But no.

My car needs new wheel bearings which is a minor fix, but Hubby is away on a business trip and obviously can't replace them until he gets back. While I supposed I could drive it, the horrible grinding and weaving it does makes that seem like not such a good idea.

But wait.

I have this great truck, remember? Only the fucking truck has decided, LOL I won't hold a charge. The battery charger makes no difference. Could I back my car up to it and jump it off of there? Probably, but the fucking car can't make it the rest of the way up our hilly fucking driveway to get to it.

Basically, woe is me. I am stuck home alone until I get so ferociously pissed that I just jump start the truck with my fury.

"HORSES!!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN THOSE BEFORE!!!"

By now you're probably thinking, "So...the title of this post has to do with you growing up and fixing your vehicles yourself?"

No. It doesn't. My rant has nothing to do with the blog title. We're moving on from that bullshit.

Instead, it's time for random blog filler because nothing else is going on! Yay!

bobby with his ears up is so rare,
i just let him stand there and stare at the mares for awhile.

My survey-free, I-won't-be-making-a-graph-this-time-fuck-yeah question of the day is: At what point do you consider your horse--or really any horse--to no longer be considered a "baby" or "green"? 

I'm curious to know how each of you qualify that. For instance, Bobby still has loads and loads to learn. He's not a schoolmaster in any sense of the word. But I wouldn't remotely call him green any longer either. He's being trained for things he doesn't know, but to me, a green horse is one that is still new to the basics--w/t/c, jumping, barrels, trails, or whatever you're working towards. I think once that horse has mastered the fundamentals, it's just in training.

And personally, I don't like the "(S)he's still green, so...you know." excuse when the horse is just being an asshole. (Someone at my barn? Nooooo....)

Agree? Disagree? I'm sure someone can hash out their thoughts better than I can.

Catch All

Look, dudes. I have to apologize. I feel as though I have deprived you of in depth riding recaps, of pictures of my awkwardly put together horse and I soaring over jumps, and of the mentally stimulating thought processes that go into each and every one of my rides.

Of course you haven't missed out on my insane wit and cleverness because I have still been posting, and really, that shit just leaks through with every fucking word I type.

You shut your mouth, naysayers. What's funnier than reading about how I plan on conquering show jumping this show season? We can all laugh about that being achievable.

look at my horse. my horse is adorable.
IT CAN HAPPEN.

So what's been going on in real world time? Like so much stuff it's ridiculous.

I rode in my dressage saddle two whole times. Or was it only once? We've actually jumped quite a few times, but not with any real focus, and certainly not at any height. Oh, except that one time where we jumped 4' out of a grid:

Our last day in the outdoor, I got all manly and dragged the coop out of the corner (which is manly as shit because that mother fucker weighs more than my horse) to sort-of-out-of-the-corner-kind-of, set up a circle of death with single barrels on their sides, and applauded my horse for being so well schooled that he just loped around them like it was an every day occurrence. Then I had a deep, meaningful conversation with myself while plodding around on "trail" about how my horse is actually pretty well schooled, and I did it all myself--and basically, go me.

caution: deep thoughts in action

That was followed up with a questionable dressage school where I talked myself back down a little bit. Bobby is Bobby after all. Ain't no one got time to congratulate yourself on any achievement when it comes to this dude.

"say what now?"

And then cold weather hit and my fucking face froze off, and Bobby didn't even get to go outside Wednesday night because it was too freezing for naked ponies. Instead, I went out the next morning and released him in the indoor with the covered giant jolly ball. He could care less about a naked jolly ball, but with a cover?

i was in the heated viewing area, so sorry for the quality.

Eventually, once I had thawed a bit, I went out and kicked it around for him. He's usually a slug when released in the arena, but having to stay in overnight gave him some added sass.

After he'd had a good romp, I called him over to me.

"you talking to me?"

And he came, and it was adorable, even if he was mad I didn't have any cookies to reward him with. He got his freshly laundered and re-waterproofed medium weight tossed over his current heavy weight mostly to appease BO. She was all, "His neck will still be cold!" I was like, "BO, Bobby's resting core temperature runs around ten million degrees even on a day like today where the high is in the single digits." I think Bobby would be okay frolicking around totally naked to be honest. The bro is made of lava. 

and has a strange fascination with eating snow.

Obviously, you guys have been missing out on a lot of super cool shit. I apologize profusely. Maybe next week I'll get things rolling again.

Maybe.

WW: Top 5 of 2014

Yes, I am stealing an idea for a blog post from fucking facebook. Judge away, judge away. When it's hovering in the single digits during the day and gusting wind is blowing snow around, rigorous activities such as riding my horse or moving are not on my list of things to do. So these are my top five "favorite" pictures of Bobby and I from 2014. I think you'll agree that they sum up how speshul our relationship is.

And why we're fucking winners.

"i see a camera! hai, guys!"
even that grey on the sideline is like, "wtf is wrong with this dude?"

hello, dressage judge. have you gotten a good first impression of my horse yet?
he is beautiful, no?

you only get one guess as to why my main goal this year is to improve our stadium.

"it's okay! i'm not going to be cheeky about the water this time!"
"oh holy shit, we are flying."

look out, hunter world. we're coming to an arena near you this season. 

New First tests

One of my goals for this month is to start reading through and breaking down the new First tests since I haven't done much more than glance at them since they came out. As per usual, our first few run-throughs of any test were rough, and we spent a lot of time working on one movement at a time. Also as per usual, Bobby didn't like that neither one of us was totally concrete in what we were supposed to be doing. And a Bobby does not like being confused.

Me: Hmm. I think I put this quarter sheet on wrong side out.

Bobby: WHAT THE--?! You just zapped my butt, bitch. Stop touching me.

Me: Sorry, dude. I'm just trying to adju--

Bobby: I will sit down. I will literally sit down if you don't stop electrocuting me.

Me: Okay...So here to here across there and go do that there. I think I've got it. Let's go.

Bobby: FUCK YEAH, LET'S GO. IT'S GO TIME, GO TIME, GO TIME.

Me: At what point during that test read through did a gallop departure come up?

Me: And a little half circle here, and keep going to a little half--Mags, for the hundredth time, get the fuck out of the way.

Bobby: I had to adjust to avoid the dog.

Me: I know. It's fine. Keep going.

Bobby: But I didn't do what you were asking.

Me: That's fine. Just move on to the next thing I'm asking you to do.

Bobby: BUT!!!!

Me: Oh my fuck, Bobby. But nothing. Nevermind. We'll just start from the beginning. Again.

Me: Trot at X.

Bobby: And then canter right away. Got it.

Me: No, we have to go all the way to C. Try again.

Bobby: So canter at M. Just like that other test. Check.

Me: Bobby. No. Wait until C.

Bobby: WHAT FUCKING TEST IS THIS?! YOU KNOW NOTHING!!

Me: Get off the wall.

Bobby: Yeah, whatever.

Me: Bobby. Stop running me into the fucking wall.

Bobby: Your mom.

Me: GET OFF THE WALL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY OUTSIDE LEG MEANS?!

Bobby: No.

Me: Let's have a little meet and greet with my spur then.

Bobby: Ohhh, get off the wall. Okay.

Me: Wow, look at that halt in the mirror. Such perfection. At least you have one redeeming quality. We can be done now.

Bobby: Whatever. Imma just walk it ou--OH HOLY SHIT THERE IS A HORSE COMING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY AND IT HAS ITS HEAD IN THE AIR AND IT MUST SEE ME AND I SEE IT AND I THINK IT'S SPOOKING AT ME LOOK AT IT LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!

Me: I just...can't even with you some days.

TOABH: Fave

Yay, Beka, providing another blog hop so I don't have to go back to regular blogging just yet. 

What is your horse's absolute favorite thing?  Outside of riding!  Are there treats that instantly convert your pony into an addict or liniments that leave him yawning and chewing?  What does your horse just love to have?

Bobby is a dude that lets you know very clearly when he likes something and when he doesn't. 

Cross country? Yes. 

Being told not to barrel at a stadium fence? No. 

Carrots? ZOMG, GIVE THEM TO HIM. 

Nature's Valley granola bars? Fuck off.

But there is one thing in his life that he loves more than all other things, and that is naps.

bro loves a nap.

Bobby is kind of a napping celebrity in the barn. I have never, ever run into a horse that loves to sleep more than him.  

being bribed with treats and stalked with by a kelpie dog do nothing to raise the beast.

I think it's become a right of passage for new people in the barn to experience Bobby in slumbering bliss, and it almost always involves a frantic phone call to BO. When Bobby sleeps, he is fucking committed. He lays flat out and snores--and I don't mean a little heavy, deep breathing. This snore sounds like someone is smothering a fucking bear, and hot damn is that bear angry.

So obviously concerned barn-goers rush to his stall and call his name. They get no response, so the more bold will continue on into his stall and go to his side. They poke him. They prod him. They get increasingly worried when he doesn't respond. They give him a shake. Sometimes, at this point, he'll roll upwards and face plant into the shavings. Usually there's a mouthful of hay hanging out of the side of his mouth.

sooo sleeeepy. 

At this point, the person is usually convinced Bobby is either dying, or at the very least colicking. They call the BO to report that one of the horses is making horrible fucking noises and won't get up for anything! 

"Which horse is it?" BO always asks calmly. 

"BOBBY!"

"Oh, he's sleeping. Just ignore him."

And then BO tells me about it the next time she sees me, and we have a giggle....because this is almost an once a month occurrence. In fact, it happened just last Friday. 

interrupted in the middle of building himself a hay pillow. 

Bobby's sleeping habits and impeccable ground manners make it hard for people at the barn to believe that he ever gets hot or is difficult to ride. But let's be honest. This is the most well rested horse on the planet. He has all sorts of energy to be naughty under saddle when he does nothing else but lay around all day. 

December Review, January Goals

December Review

1. Keep jumping. Yes, I kept at it even though we were forced to do the majority of it in the indoor which I hate with a fiery fucking passion. I hate you, indoor jumping. I really fucking hate you.

2. Don't forget the dressage. Not sure where this new cooperative dressage horse came from, but I'm not giving him back if the old Bobby shows up.

3. 3100 sit up challenge. Yes ma'am. Not nearly as easy as when I did it the past year for some reason (like my fat roll was running interference this time around or something), but it got done.

4. Incorporate ground work. Holla! We did a lot of pre-ride longeing where I had Bobby do ten million super quick transitions, and I taught him to side pass over a pole in hand which then transferred over to doing it under saddle. Ground work with Bobby is fun because he's so good at it.

one year of bobby magee. 

January Goals

1. Gymnastics. Bobby. Relax yourself, fool. Otherwise you're going to crash through everything.

2. Move it, heifer. I hate working out. I hate pretending like getting fit is a priority for me. I like to sit. All the time. But, hey--lazy people can do fitness goals, too! Alternate yoga days with sit up days, and take the dogs on their forty five minute walk every day. That's about as much as I can reasonably muster.

3. Lengthenings. These mysteriously come and go with Bobby. When they're there, they're fabulous. When they're not, he's just running around like an asshole. So I'd like to get them more consistent. And I'd like to get them on video for you guys because they're pretty fucking awesome when he consents to doing them correctly.

4. First tests. I haven't really looked at these since I printed them off when they first came out. I'd like to at least start picking them apart and working on pieces.