In which we throw a dressage test together

I wrote in my last post about how I was starting to wig out a little bit from not running through any of my tests for this year yet. I did run through 2-2 for the first time the day after I printed it off a month of so ago I guess, but overall--lack of preparation, my Type A brain is about to combust thanks to you.

Obviously, being the ever diligent person I am (ha!), I watched lots of 1-2, 1-3, 2-2, and 2-3 tests on youtube yesterday afternoon, and I was pleasantly surprised that I had a relatively solid memory of all of those tests from reading through them eons ago. That meant that during this morning's ride we were going to do a test or bust!

"let's just bust."
kids spring spreak camp is on right now, so rides
are going to be early this week. bobby says too early. 

Bobby was fucking fabuloso warming up right off the bat. Sweet justice, what a lovely light feather face he was. I would have taken that work into the ring any day. Since I didn't need to do much to him, I kept it short and sweet before going into test mode. Of course, once I was ready to ride, I completely forgot most of 1-2. I mean, I knew the parts, just where they were supposed to go was getting muddled. But I did remember all of 1-3 and that's what we went with instead.

And so I bring you a play-by-play of the movements--all memorized obvi because #genius--of how our second full dressage test practice run of the year went.

"no pictures, just naps."

Enter at A, halt at X, salute, trot off, yada yada: Good! Square, forward thinking halt, trotted off without having to be beaten back into movement.

Turn left, lengthen trot across diagonal only not to F but the one before that in a standard arena: BM: "Ooh, you look so fancy!" Quiet, lovely, forward, no problems.

Leg yield zig zag down the long side: Bobby: "WHAT IS HAPPENING MOVE OVER WHY SO FAST WHAT ARE FEET JUST TRIPPED OVER MY OWN LEG HURRY LEGS WE'RE MOVING HURRY WAIT FOR ME TOO FAST OH NO NOW SIDEWAYS OTHER WAY OKAY REMAIN CALM EVERYTHING IS FINE." Me: "Uh, what was that, BM?" BM: "Extra points for creating your own movement?"

Stretchy trot at C: The shit. Damn, this horse loves his stretchies now.

Retarded fucking ten meter circle right at B, halt randomly and chill at X, another stupid as shit ten meter circle at E: What the fuck even is this movement? I was talking to BM still, but was cognizant enough to remain in posting trot after our stretchy circle so the tiny right circle wasn't too bad though Bobby thought about throwing a fit. Halt was fine, other circle was fine.

Walk at A, free walk across diagonal to letter before H, trot at H: Free walk was ballin' which is a rarity, and while he got a little above my hand coming back to the medium walk, I know it was because I was too quick with the reins and not quick enough with my seat. I demand perfection from Bobby, he's starting to demand it right back. No cheating anymore with this dude.

Canter at C, immediately make a wild 15m circle also at C: I fucking hate this movement. I hated it last year and I hate it this year. Bobby also hated it. He went spinning off into a different dimension when I asked him to canter, but I just kicked him forward and told him to get over himself. Bobby: "BUT SO HARD RIGHT CAN'T CIRCLE WHAT IS CANTER WHY YOU TELLING ME GO FORWARD LET'S FIGHT THIS OUT WHY ARE YOU KICKING ME I DON'T KNOW CANTER BUT MAYBE....okay, false, nevermind! Just kidding, it's fine. Chill mode re-engaged. Let's carry on."

Lengthen canter down long side, canter counter loop down other long side: Fine, fine.

Change rein through trot at X: Fine, though Bobby almost dropped down to the walk instead.

15m circle at A: Fuck you.

Lengthen down long side, counter canter loop down other long side: Whatever, fine, no problems.

Trot at A (?), lengthen trot across diagonal: Solids.

Turn in at B, halt and salute at G: Bobby: "WHY ARE WE TURNING RIGHT AGAIN I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS HATE RIG--oh, it's over? Right, off we go."

the best dressage horse i know.

So. A little dramatic here and there, but when he wasn't having opinions, he was fucking phenomenal. I let him have a long, long walk break, then quietly came back and reschooled the leg yield zig zag and right lead canter work. He was lovely and soft throughout, and I called it quits there with lots of pats and cookies.

Things could be going worse at this point!

Valentine's Day Ride

Well, it was a long time coming I guess. Bobby has been so good lately that I haven't even been able to blog about my flat rides in weeks. Usually there's at least one dramatic interpretation of a rabid llama on ice skates attempting to do a tango. The key to recreating such theatrics is to bring Hubby along, tell him that you just want some video to show off how fancy your horse is doing on the flat lately, and assure him it will be a super quick ride because it's snowing and you don't want your car to get stuck in the barn driveway.

And did I mention, my horse has been so good lately?

Kiss o' death, dear readers.

there's my rabid little drama llama dripping foam from his crazy face.

Our warm up was brief and mostly correct. Bobby felt like he might be a little footsore, but there's a solid layer of ice over all the snow and the arena is currently hard packed from the cold so that was perfectly excusable. He was a rocket ship in the canter, and his back felt more like a metal rod than the usual softness I've been getting out of him. I pulled him out right at feeding time though, so I expected a little sass.

I finally got geared up to run through Training A because we've been on the struggle bus with the canter work in Training B the past few rides.

For those of you that don't want to watch me work through a three minute test in five minutes....

....don't worry. I'll break it down for you.

A Enter working trot: Scoot past naughty dogs.

C Track left: Try to keep horse from dropping his poll too much and ducking behind the vertical too badly.

E Circle left 15 meters: Almost run over dogs. Keep going anyway.

FXH Lengthen stride in trot: Glad horse knew that by picking up whip it meant he was actually going to have to lengthen his stride. Wish he hadn't spent five minutes with his head in the air shooting around the ring like I was holding an anaconda until I dropped the whip to get the lesson.

H Working trot: Wonder how we ended up so far past H when we hit the rail....

B Circle right 15 meters: Keep horse soft to the right, keep him soft, keep him soft....no, you're not slouching enough, slouch more!

KXM Lengthen stride in trot: Auto pilot lengthening as you mentally prepare to fail at the next several movements. Consider just ending the test right there.

M Working trot: Half halt with all your bodily strength in hopes it keeps horse from flying across the ring when you start to let out rein.

C Circle left 20 meters stretchy trot: Nope.

C Working trot: Oh, thank god.

H-E Medium walk: Do not attempt free walk on short diagonal. Turn early at H and go all the way across.

E-F Free walk: Horse is calm, keep breathing, who cares what this actually looks like, at least he's not running away.

F-A Medium walk: Horse briefly considers a tantrum, but is soothed by your calming voices and quiet aids. Gosh, you are so good at defusing these things.

A Working trot: Horse wants to canter...so he does. Quickly fall back to a tense, braced trot. Try not to get annoyed.

K Working canter right lead: Picked up the canter--again--and promptly switches behind. Bring horse back to walk to correct. Horse gets stuck because OH GOD YOU SAID CANTER AND THEN YOU SAID WALK AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM. Walk horse calmly back to F and try again while taking deep, soothing breaths.

E Circle right 15 meters: Wonder where horse's beautiful, soft canter went to. Try not to pull on his face. Pull a little bit anyway.

M-F Lengthen stride in canter: Worry horse will take the opportunity to change behind so scratch lengthening. Horse has random spaz attack and darts forward for a few strides anyway, perhaps doing his own interpretation of a canter lengthening.

F Working canter: Admire horse's head in your face.

KXM Change rein: Run through the aids, nearly miss the turn, and flail sideways a bit. Come to a halt because there's really no need for flailing. Regroup, pick the canter back up, and try again.

X Working trot: Don't canter, don't canter, don't canter....

C Working canter left lead:  Please canter, please canter, please canter....

E Circle left 15 meters: Does it still count as a circle if horse swings his haunches out and makes a corner on the quarter line?

K Working trot: Almost done, just finish without another flail.

A Down center line: Whoops, who needs to half halt anyway?

X Halt, salute: Horse has a great halt. He goes forward into it, he halts square, and he doesn't fling his head up. However, to stay consistent, this time he immediately wanted to step right off again and instead settled on just dancing around in place.

Since I wasn't too impressed with that, I decided to break down the part where we always struggle the most: free walk to medium walk to trot to canter. Only Bobby had reached his limit of cooperation for the day. He didn't want to just dance, he wanted to just run.

So every time he went jetting off on his own, I backed him up. And we did that a lot. I finally gave up for a minute, got into half seat, and let him canter around in hopes it would settle him.

It didn't.

I tried to run through the test again and it was just a big ole pissy fit. We got halfway across the ring in the free walk and Bobby went into full on meltdown mode. I told Hubby he could retreat to the heated viewing area because nothing else was going to get done at that point.

bobby doesn't rear or buck--he just flings himself around and reverses in high speed. 
my leg is off in all of these because i'm mid-ass kicking/rib thumping.

After an epic battle of wills spur vs. obstinate horse, I finally got the fucking beast to move forward in a linear fashion for more than one stride and got off. I stripped his tack and turned him loose where he proceeded to run.

And run and run and run and run.

And then he changed directions and ran and ran and ran and ran.

Once he was to the point where he was stumbling over his own feet, he came back down to the trot and trotted for another few minutes. It was really the silliest display of racehorse I've ever seen.

It was a complete write off of a ride, and I'll excuse Bobby because he hasn't been able to actually move faster than a crawl in his paddock for awhile now. Ponies need to get their pony romps out.

New First tests

One of my goals for this month is to start reading through and breaking down the new First tests since I haven't done much more than glance at them since they came out. As per usual, our first few run-throughs of any test were rough, and we spent a lot of time working on one movement at a time. Also as per usual, Bobby didn't like that neither one of us was totally concrete in what we were supposed to be doing. And a Bobby does not like being confused.

Me: Hmm. I think I put this quarter sheet on wrong side out.

Bobby: WHAT THE--?! You just zapped my butt, bitch. Stop touching me.

Me: Sorry, dude. I'm just trying to adju--

Bobby: I will sit down. I will literally sit down if you don't stop electrocuting me.

Me: Okay...So here to here across there and go do that there. I think I've got it. Let's go.

Bobby: FUCK YEAH, LET'S GO. IT'S GO TIME, GO TIME, GO TIME.

Me: At what point during that test read through did a gallop departure come up?

Me: And a little half circle here, and keep going to a little half--Mags, for the hundredth time, get the fuck out of the way.

Bobby: I had to adjust to avoid the dog.

Me: I know. It's fine. Keep going.

Bobby: But I didn't do what you were asking.

Me: That's fine. Just move on to the next thing I'm asking you to do.

Bobby: BUT!!!!

Me: Oh my fuck, Bobby. But nothing. Nevermind. We'll just start from the beginning. Again.

Me: Trot at X.

Bobby: And then canter right away. Got it.

Me: No, we have to go all the way to C. Try again.

Bobby: So canter at M. Just like that other test. Check.

Me: Bobby. No. Wait until C.

Bobby: WHAT FUCKING TEST IS THIS?! YOU KNOW NOTHING!!

Me: Get off the wall.

Bobby: Yeah, whatever.

Me: Bobby. Stop running me into the fucking wall.

Bobby: Your mom.

Me: GET OFF THE WALL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY OUTSIDE LEG MEANS?!

Bobby: No.

Me: Let's have a little meet and greet with my spur then.

Bobby: Ohhh, get off the wall. Okay.

Me: Wow, look at that halt in the mirror. Such perfection. At least you have one redeeming quality. We can be done now.

Bobby: Whatever. Imma just walk it ou--OH HOLY SHIT THERE IS A HORSE COMING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY AND IT HAS ITS HEAD IN THE AIR AND IT MUST SEE ME AND I SEE IT AND I THINK IT'S SPOOKING AT ME LOOK AT IT LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!

Me: I just...can't even with you some days.

Riding without spurs

I failed to mention that last week at our gaming show, I snapped one of my spurs in half. Now you may be thinking, "What in the holy fuck did you have to do accomplish that? Are Bobby's insides spilling out of the hole in barrel?" But really, they were cheap plastic POW spurs I've been riding in almost daily for the past ten-ish years. That they've lasted this long is amazing.

However, that still leaves me without any pokes on my boots, and while Bobby may have moments of raging lunatic he's mostly a plug--especially on the flat. With one of the goals this month being an increase in impulsion and general forwardness, the lack of my little helpers is apparent.

"yes, hello. enough with the pictures. there are cookies to be had."

"these cookies here. i need them. all of them."

He warms up peppy and in front of my leg. After we take a little walk break, I start to ask him to come up a little more and really put his tush to work. That's when he begins to alternate between "Can't do it" and "I can always go one gait faster than you want me to!"

Me: Okay, time to pick up the reins and see if we can push this walk out more.

Bobby: Oh, thank god. Time for trotting. Things were getting so boring.

Me: No, Bobby. We need to work on a bigger, more relaxed walk.

Bobby: UGH. FINE. I'll walk.

Me: Right, but gnashing at your bit isn't really relaxed.

Bobby: What if I do chin touches to my chest?

Me: Yeah, no. Also not indicative of relaxation.

Bobby: What if I do both at the same time?

Me: Just fucking trot already.

Bobby: Ughhhhhh, my butt is soooo tireddddd.

Me: Please. Please trot like I know you're capable of doing.

Bobby: I....can't.....even.....

Me: Will you wake up with a canter? Bobby? Hello? Did you not feel my legs?

Bobby: What now?

Me: My legs! The legs that are pressed against your fat sides with everything they're worth! Holy fuck, canter!

Bobby: Oh, geeze. So they are. Alright, I guess I can canter a bit.

Me: Alright, let's try the trot again.

Bobby: CANTER. CANTER ALL THINGS. CANTER YOU INTO THE WALL. CANTER IN THE WALK. CANTER IN THE TROT. CANTER IN THE--HOLY SHIT THERE WAS JUST A PERSON WALKING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!!

Me: Remember when we did this fun exercise called bending around my inside leg doing a 20m circle to the right? Let's do that. At the walk.

Bobby: Back to bit chomping and neck curling. Good idea. That's my favorite go-to exercise, too.

I swear I have the most schizophrenic horse on the planet. It's like I get to ride a different horse not only every day, but every five minutes. 

Welcome back ride.

Barring any more major weather disasters--and by "disasters" I mean "snow that takes me all fucking day to shovel out of the driveway, and then I'm too crippled to go anywhere afterwards"--Bobby is officially back in full work. His feet look great, he's got a chiro appointment finally coming up, and he's not currently sporting any mysterious lumps or bumps.

So in the spirit of bringing the the world's most awkward looking OTTB back to work after an extended vacation (He hasn't been in real, consistent work since the end of July!), here is his before shot:

one lug headed, gangly, under-muscled thoroughbred coming right up!

We've got a lot of catching up to do. As such, Sir Robert had his first ride back in almost two weeks.

Me: Alrighty, Robert. Now that we're both sufficiently warmed up, let's pick up a little contact.

Bobby: Yay, back to trotting!

Me: No, I want you to walk. Just add a little bend and get your head out of the clouds.

Bobby: Right-o. Head down, bend, and trot on.

Me: Wait, what? No. Just walking!

Bobby: Ohhh! You want me to canter. Got it.

Me: Bobby, stop it. Just fucking walk already.

Bobby: FINE.

i swear this is all that ever goes on in bobby's head.

Me: Okay, it's time to trot.

Bobby: Got it. Off we go.

Me: Hm....that's actually pretty good. Maybe bring your poll up more?

Bobby: Yep. I can do that.

Me: Uhh....okay, that's actually really good. Let's do a few leg yields.

Bobby: Yep. I can do that, too.

Me: Lengthen across the diagonal?

Bobby: Love lengthening!

Me: Who is this horse?! Why are you being so--

Bobby: HOLY SHIT!! A FUCKING TRUCK JUST DROVE BY THE ARENA!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!?! OH GOD, I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO LOSE IT!!

Me: Right, there's the horse I know.

it takes us forever to get out of the barn because
we have to stop and say hello to everyone.

Me: Are you ready for a canter?

Bobby: Fuck yeah, cantering!

Me: That didn't mean throw yourself into it and start flailing about. Try again.

Bobby: UGHHHHH. Why can't you just acknowledge that I know everything?

Me: Whatever, Bobby. Make a circle. Bobby. Bobby, helloooo. Where are you going?

Bobby: Look, sometimes I just don't want to do anything you ask me.

Me: Just make a fucking circle.

Bobby: FINE.

Me: And across the diagonal....um, straight would be ideal....or not. And walk two steps, and back to canter.

Bobby: You know, you really shouldn't ask me to do something and then right away ask me to do something else. Do you want me to walk or canter? WALK OR CANTER?

Me: Get over yourself. Why are your haunches not on the same track as the rest of your body?

Bobby: Because they hate you.

Me: Bring them over here.

Bobby: FINE.

Me: And turn down the center line. Hold the lead, hold the lead.....and HALT.

Bobby: Straight up gangster. Where the fuck is my peppermint for that?

We finished up our twenty minute (warm up included) ride with a hack up the hill. We may not have access to trails right now, but we don't need it with the hill and snow on the ground. Fatty Magee was huffing and puffing by the time we got to the top. I've got so much booty worked planned once his hips get cracked back into place, it's not even funny.

bay ponies for all!

Bobby practices First 2.

Warm Up:

Me: Wouldn't it be nice if you could just walk around like a normal horse?

Bobby: Nope. Not when there's a trailer in the driveway!

Me: That should not be a factor.

Bobby: SOMEONE JUST OPENED THE DOOR! DID YOU SEE THAT?!

............

Bobby: It's canter time!

Me: No, it's trot lengthening time. But now we're out of room because you spent too much time throwing a fit and we'll have to try it on the next pass.

Bobby: It's trot lengthening time!

Me: No, we're going to do a normal trot down this long side. You lost your chance, and now you have to wait until we come back around.

Bobby: WHYYYYYYYY??? WHY DO YOU HATE ME??

Practicing 15m circles to lengthenings to working canter:

Bobby: We do canter lengthenings or we do nothing! THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN.

Me: Fuck you, dude. Canter, and canter on the correct fucking lead.

Bobby: NO IN BETWEEN. LENGTHENINGS.

Me: I'm about to pop you IN BETWEEN your fucking ears. Canter like a normal horse!

Bobby: LOLZ, switched my lead.

Me: Canter. Now.

Bobby: Well.... ok.

Mid-test run through:

Bobby: ZOMG, leg yield time!

Me: Ok, that's an A for effort, but this is first level at a little schooling show. Your hind leg doesn't need to be at K when we're only at X.

Bobby: Wooooo, look at me cross over! Oops, almost tripped.

Me: My point exactly.

...............

Bobby: Leg yield! Leg yield!

Me: Ok, but let's regulate this one. Go straight for a few strides. Now over again. Much better!

Bobby: WHY DID YOU WRECK MY LEG YIELD?! I KNOW EVERYTHING AND YOU KNOW NOTHING!!!

Me: Canter here. Canter. Helllooooo! We're over the leg yield thing. Canter!

Bobby: WHY DID YOU JUST KICK ME??? DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE LEG YIELDS??

Me: Get over yourself. Just canter.

Bobby: OH MY GOD, I HATE YOU.

Take 2 on test run through:

Bobby: We canter right here.

Me: No we don't. We walk.

Bobby: WE CANTER.

Me: WE WALK.

Bobby: FINE.

............

Bobby: We walk right here. You just said so.

Me: Right, but now we've moved on. We have to keep trotting and turn down the centerline.

Bobby: WE WALK. YOU SAID SO.

Me: Remove your head from your chest and just trot another twenty steps, you tool.

Bobby: Did you see that halt? That was a bitching halt. Give me a fucking pat, lady. We're done with this shit.

Walking back to the barn:

Bobby: I want to go on the trails.

Me: Ok. Let's go.

Bobby: Well....no, I don't want to go. I want to go back to the barn. I did enough work today.

Me: You're the one that just tried to dive down the trail head.

Bobby: I was just kidding. Go fetch me some cookies.

Sassy.

Mr Magee had his sassy pants on today. He spent his entire time in the aisleway trying to escape to the great outdoors, and then nearly bowled me over when I tried to stop him by the mounting block. Aww hell no. We had a brief in-hand Come to Jesus about personal space and stopping when I say stop before I swung on. Then we had another Come to Jesus when he walked off as soon as I was on which is my number one pet peeve in horses.

That pretty much set the tone for our entire ride. We walked for a solid fifteen minutes working on a plethora of things--things Bobby really had no interest in participating in.

Bobby: I think I heard a noise.

Me: No you didn't. Keep moving.

Bobby: Oh, okay.

Me: No, keep moving faster than a sloth, Bobby.

Two seconds later...

Bobby: PRETTY SURE I JUST HEARD A NOISE.

Me: Put your fucking head on straight before I let you hear the noise of me ending your life.

Five minutes later...

Me: Bobby, why are you incapable of keeping the contact when I ask you to walk off from a halt?

Bobby: Wait, what?

Me: This. This is what I want, Bobby!!!!

Bobby: Ohhhh. Got it.

Two minutes later....

Bobby: I call this move the spinning giraffe on ice skates.

Me: All I wanted was a quarter turn on the forehand.

Bobby: Weeeeee!!! Look! I'm still spinnning!!

His trot was moderately more cooperative, so I decided to end with a run through of Novice A in sitting trot. Not because it's difficult, but because it's more fun. And it looks prettier. Bobby hasn't cantered in nearly two weeks and the first 20m circle was a bit of a rodeo. Plus, it was obviously his cue we should be cantering nonstop for the rest of the ride.

Bobby: Canter? Why not gaaallopp!! Trot? How about.... gaaallopp!! Across the diagnol? How about.... wait, hold on. My front and back ends just went opposite directions. Alright, better now. Gaaallopp!! Down the centerline? Gaall-- No, time out. I like going down the centerline.

And then he had a fancy prance and ended on a 10 halt.

His foot isn't a hundred percent healed, but it's clearly not bothering him any longer. Hopefully sassy pants will get a real workout this weekend.

sunday sass.