To Do: Costume Creations

There are a long list of things that I'm not a fan of when it comes to my horse, but there are also things he does or attributes he possesses that can be put in the Good Pony column. Bobby has pluses, guys, the chief among them being his total tolerance of anything you do to him on the ground, and most anything under saddle.

zero fucks were given

Obviously I have to take advantage of this. I'm the first to jump on a contest that involves dressing up my horse in a costume, and fuck knows I love a good decorated beastie for Christmas pictures. But there's so much more out there that I can do.

And damn it. I want to do it.

my only regret is not using more pink hair spray

So I'm asking everyone for help. I want any and all ideas of ways to dress up/decorate/torture beautify Bobby. Full body wrapping paper? Moving horse skeleton paint? Match those big donkey ears to an Eeyore costume? Bobby goes wild, wild west?

Doesn't matter. All gold.

Next week I'll assemble a list of my top ten favorites, and throughout the year I'll cross them off with full photo and/or video documentation.

stakes winner ladys dark al--hold on, that's just robert!
(mostly this just makes me want to be tan again.)

So what'll it be? Public humiliation of my horse is kind of my thing. He doesn't mind. Cookies make up for everything.

The Puppy

Because my horse is just a boss at dressage, and oh my goodness so fucking fancy, and someone might have laced his cookies with Xanax, and if they ever come forward I will thank them profusely, so I don't have anything I can make a full blog post about.

INSTEAD!!!

I'll give an update on my poochie poo because who doesn't like puppy spam on a cold winter day? You are Satan if you don't. So go away. 

remember this little nugget? when she was a wee baby?

Mags will be seven months in a week, and she currently weighs in at sixty five pounds. But that's this week. She puts on three to four pounds a week. Now I grew up around big dogs--mostly Shepherds and Shepherd mixes, and Mags is a Shepherd/Pyrenees--but the only big dog we actually had as puppy was a Pyrenees named Moby (after the great white whale...because he was just that). Moby was a brute and too much dog for our at the time very old Akita/Shepherd Jake, so he went to go live with one of my mom's friends at six months where he proceeded to eat their kitchen table, back door, and Christmas tree.

Puppies are fun.

with my old man thor over thanksgiving.

Anyway, my point there was that it's a little alarming how fast this puppy is getting big. We're keeping her on the leaner side so she doesn't put quite so much stress on those growing limbs, but she still eats five cups of food a day. And of course she has to eat the closest thing to grain free we can find because we found right off the bat that she's allergic to grain--and our vet was happy to inform us that Pyrenees are prone to all the allergies ever. 

Want to know what's expensive? A fifty pound bag of all natural large breed puppy dog food that needs to be replaced every few weeks. 

she already looks like a full grown dog to me.
i kind of want to just finish growing already so i can see what she looks like.

Aside from the grain allergy, the only other problem we've encountered with her so far is really dry winter skin that makes her really itchy. We just started her on fish oil a week ago in hopes that it will help her out. 

Training-wise, we're starting to hit some road blocks. As long as you have her attention, she's super smart and picks things up lightening fast. But if there are any distractions around, forget it. It's like talking to a wall. A really fucking dumb wall. She completely ignores you and acts like she can't hear anything. She takes all her cues from Pig, so if they're off playing and you call only Mags back, she won't come unless Pig does too. Not cool.

Also not cool is when little prancey deer come frolicking into the yard when the dogs aren't tied. Our deer like to play this fun game where the dogs chase them into the woods behind the house and then the deer just stop. When we had Darcy, she'd turn right around and bring Pig back with her because Darcy was the best baby dog ever. 

her go-to snow pose. face plant.

But Pig, the little shit, just uses the deer as an excuse to go for an unsupervised jaunt in the woods, and she takes Mags with her. Pig comes back when called. Mags turns into Dumb Brick Wall and doesn't. Do you want to know how happy it makes me to hike out there and find her in dense brush, get eyes on her, know she sees me too, and still have her just meander around on her own and not acknowledge my existence whatsoever?

NOT VERY FUCKING HAPPY.

a little patented pyr drool

Hubby and I have been working religiously with her that whenever she comes, she is the best dog ever and best dogs ever get so many cookies, yay, good dog! It's very difficult to reprimand her in any way because then she's like, "Nope. No way. If I come to you, you're going to beat me." Which we're not, but who knows what her history was the three months before we got her. 

The other thing we're struggling with is that she seems to have entered the Chewing Phase of puppy-dom. She. Eats. Everything. 

luff snow.

She has eaten the corner off the bottom stair of the stair case. She's working her way around the baseboard in the living room. She finds the tiniest snag in the carpet and pulls up giant chunks. Of course she has about a thousand fucking bones laying around the house, copious amounts of toys, she goes for a two mile walk almost every day, gets to play at the barn almost every day, and has a high energy sister to play with whenever she wants. 

No excuses for the chewing. I've filled a spray bottle with vinegar, and that's deterred her from spots she's already visited, but it's like a guessing game where she'll hit next. 

luff snow so much.

But overall we're really happy with her. She has loved every dog she's met. She's great around the horses and stays put in the arena when I ride now. She thinks kitties are the greatest thing in the whole entire universe. She's got a great big bark and looks like a fucking monster with her hair raised which makes me feel better living out in the middle of nowhere with Hubby being gone a lot, but she doesn't actually have a mean bone in her body. I think once she's done growing and has settled the puppy brain down, she'll be pretty much perfect. 

Anyone want to take guesses on what she'll finish weighing in at? The vet says 100 pounds. Hubby thinks eighty. I think five hundred gazillion.

totally blown away by the magic of skis.

Can do no wrong

Hubby and I said goodbye to January on Saturday by doing our once a winter skijoring with Robert. Unlike last winter, the snow this year was soft and fluffy and no Bobby legs were harmed in the process. Hubby was a bad sport and didn't want to hike the half a mile uphill to get to the top of the cross country field (I mean, who doesn't want to trudge that far in six inches of snow in ski boots?) so we went to the outdoor instead.

eating snow off the top of a rusty barrel.
that's my horse in a nutshell. 

Hubby made himself a track to follow as I got on and off Bobby about thirty times to adjust my clunky ass western stirrups in gloves as thick as my head. You could have been up and down that hill to the field about thirty times yourself by the time I got done with that, Hubby. Just saying.

Bobby got a brief warm up and then away we went. This year I looped the rope around my cantle instead of the horn, and it was a lot more comfortable--like, it wasn't digging a trench into my hip. So that's always a bonus.

too lazy to warm up his bit, so i just clipped reins on his halter.
zero fucks were given by all parties.

Bobby was his usual fabulous self, and after lots of circles and figure eights I gave him a break to walk around while Hubby ramped up snow off of some tires. They were not very impressive "jumps", but I tend to flail about excessively while cross country skiing in a straight line, so who am I to judge?

Hubby had the helmet cam on, so if you are exceptionally bored, you can listen to him blab for two and a half minutes and admire how beautifully my horse canters from behind.

Afterwards we tried to get some adorbs posing pictures with Bobby, but Bobby wasn't inclined to lift his ears (Is he ever?) even with candy bribery.

cookie in left pocket, horse checks right side.
to be fair, i usually alternate sides i feed him
and i'd been doling them out from the left the whole ride.

d'aww there it is.

On Sunday I met Sarah at the barn and took advantage of a bending line that was set up from the lesson before we got there. Bobby warmed up so fancily at all three gaits that I kept giddily yelling out to Sarah, "LOOK AT MY HORSE MY HORSE IS SO FANCY LOOK AT HIM!!!!" Fortunately she is a nice person and put up with me being really obnoxious. I also shoved my camera into her hand after we'd quietly cantered over the X by itself several times and told her she had a duty to the blog to get video evidence of my horse not charging jumps like an asshole.

LOOK AT MY HORSE HE CAN BE SANE!!!!!

The line was actually set for six quiet strides, but that spot for five looked good to me so I closed my leg and Bobby happily took it.

BECAUSE HE IS SO GOOD!!!!

(And don't judge us because we talk about male strippers during our rides.)

I did the line once more before changing directions and coming to the X off a circle from the left. I saw the long, Bobby saw the add, and at the last second we both saw the Nope and had a stop. It's okay though! These things happen! No one get flustered; everybody stay calm!

I decided I was going to be ultra ballsy and just approach it all the way from the other end of the ring. That meant we canter almost the entire length of the long side towards a jump, aaaanddd.....I kept waiting for Bobby to take off for it, but I forced myself to stare a hole in the wall above the jump, actively keep my hands super low, just sit there, aaaanndddd......

HE CANTERED AT THE SAME PACE ALL THE WAY TO THE JUMP!!!!!!!!!

THERE IS A BRAIN IN THERE!!!!!

Needless to say, he got all the cookies in the whole world, and we finished up our ride with a little more trotting and yelling at poor Sarah about HOW FANCY MY HORSE IS (!!!!!).

I'm going into the year with a totally new mindset. I'm going to repeat positive affirmations about how good my horse and I are at jumping, and it's just going to magically make us better in stadium. So far? Totally working.

We had grand plans to ride yesterday and today, but six fresh inches of snow and negative five thousand degree temps quickly scratched that. Sadly repeated positive affirmations do not make winter go away.

January Review, February Goals

January Review:

Any questions?

looking like a hunk coming into this year

February Goals:

1. Celebrate the fact that January is over. The end.

No, but seriously. Who the fuck else is excited as I am that January is over? I've never experienced the old winter blues or whatever, but hot damn did I just want to shank January right in the fucking face.

I even worked through most of my horse goals for the month--lots of gymnastics, we had one ride with a dressage whip that reinvigorated his lengthenings, and I walked the dogs every day it was above -10,000* or not snowing five inches per hour. I hurt my back something awful somewhere in there, and then hurt my foot in the most spectacularly stupid way, so not a lot of real exercise got done, but to me cookies are greater than working out anyway.

And as for this month's goals? Really my main plan is just to stay positive and keep Bobby happy. No pissing matches this month. We've got shit to do.

Conformation Review: Bobby Magee

Make sure you guys check out this excellent post from Breeches and Boat Shoes about basic conformation. I love the way she breaks it down and explains everything, and of course I had to immediately do the same thing to a picture of Bobby.

Sadly my horse isn't even remotely as cute as Ax--like, not even in the same galaxy as cute--but it was still fun to critique the mule beast...until I got to the head comparison, and then I closed my eyes and drew some lines really quickly.

Fuck, my horse is ugly.

So I bring to you an analysis of Bobby's conformation, and how it either helps or hinders him in the various disciplines we participate in.

Length vs. Height

Bobby is actually pretty balanced from this point of view. I know. I was surprised myself.

Helps: Well, it certainly doesn't do anything for him looks-wise. It helps him feel superior to those that don't fit in a box?

Heartgirth vs. Legs

Bobby's legs are longer than his heartgirth which surprised me. When you look at him, he doesn't have those super model long legs that make him look as tall as he is. They're also as thick as tree trunks. But when you stand next to him, you can appreciate the fact that he's a big boy. I guess tall kids don't always have to have sexy legs.

Helps: I won't give this horse credit for much athleticism, but he's got one fantastic gallop.

Hinders: Sometimes he can't figure out where his legs go, and then the flailing starts.

Topline vs. Underline

His withers are way higher than his croup. They're also exceptionally long. His underline is longer than his topline.

Helps: Nothing.

Hinders: My crotch during bareback riding.

Forequarter vs. Hindquarter

wow, i kept getting better and better at drawing my red box.
fuck you, geometry. 

His forequarters are significantly longer than his hindquarters. He's got that massive Mighty Magee rib cage and a notoriously weak hind end.

Helps: Power around on his forehand.

Hinders: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps this little thing we dabble in occasionally called dressage? Seriously, it's so hard to get this horse sitting on that tiny ass.

Shoulder vs. Back vs. Buttock

Bobby's shoulder is longer than his buttock, and his back is longer than both...combined.

Helps: Let me tell you, when he comes flying into a wide as shit jump and decides to take it from a mile away, the absurd length of his back is definitely an asset.

Hinders: Everything else on the planet.

Head vs. Body

All of these are equal except his heartgirth. Not as embarrassing as I thought it was going to be!

Hinders: Beauty contests.

Buttock vs. Hip vs. Stifle

His stifle to hip is the longest. The other two are about equal.

Helps: Support joint supplement companies and his chiro's yearly income.

Hinders: Collection, engagement, other basic necessities to simple correct self carriage.

Make sure you guys check out Terise's post so you can do some actual learning!

#chomped

I took a bunch of pictures yesterday of my horse hanging out with other horses at their water trough right after they'd been turned out. I was going to share them as a lazy as hell Wordless Wednesday photo post, and be all "Look! My horse has friends!" because that doesn't ever really happen.

sharing with a friend!

But then I got to the barn today, did the most half-assed grooming ever that basically just involved picking out Bobby's feet and picking up my brush but not actually using it (he's body clipped and heavily blanketed--who needs brushing?), and quickly tacked up in a jump saddle and bridle--no breastplate or neck strap.

So I was surprised when I went to give him a pat on the neck just before getting on and saw this:

#chomped

I poked it and fussed with it for awhile without any reaction from Bobby, so I decided to carry on with my ride. It was fucking cold out first thing this morning, so I was already planning on keeping things super short anyway.

We've done two dressage schools this week, both of which Bobby was really good for. I've set out to be extra positive and rewarding in every ride--like over the top obnoxious in praise. I don't want my horse to hate me. Because that's a real thing with this dude, and he is easy to anger. But good vibes and all that, right? Keep Bobby's ego stoked, and keep me from going slowly insane.

more friends!

Eventually we did have to get back to over fences work though. In an attempt to stop a flail attack before it even happened, all I set up was a single 2'6" vertical with generous ground lines. I made the approach a little shorter from the left--Bobby's good direction-- and did the quickest warm up ever before turning in for the jump.

I told myself to lower my hands and lean back in an active attempt to not fuel Bobby's head in the air silliness which also pulls me forward into the fetal position and then we're all just pissed and potentially dying. Aaaannddd.....he was a total fucking rock star! He didn't change his rhythm a beat and jumped it totally calmly.

YAY!!!!

I circled him once to make sure our canter was still where I wanted it and came around again. Aaaannddd.....same thing!!! I brought him to a halt at the end of the ring, immediately got off, and shoved three cookies down his throat while giving him lots of pats and head scratches.

Two balanced and sane jumps over a not-inches-off-the-ground fence? We're definitely calling that a win at this point.

I treated his bite with a hot compress and slathered some Handy Salve on it afterwards. I've never used the stuff before (I got it from Stephanie in her awesome birthday giveaway package), but it says anti-inflammatory and antiseptic right on it, and it was the only thing in my first aid box that wasn't frozen, so we'll see if it helps at all.

usually alex is all grouchy faces and no bite, but i'm blaming him for the chomp mark.
and also that bobby is the biggest loser in a herd of horses.

WW: Sled Dogs

we learned last year that pig can't be next to anyone because she picks fights.

burton (BM's aussie) was a total rock star this year.
mags went right to work and never did anything wrong.

burton keeping everyone in line as mags tries to visit with her daddy

steaming past BM. these hounds can cruise when they get going!

only the puppy had energy left for the last leg

but she was done once she was unhooked.