Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Let's Recap. Let's EPIC recap.

I have been gone for a very long time. Like two weeks? Possibly closer to three. That's not really very long in the broad expanse of things, but in blog land it's like for-ev-errrrr.

here's my horse. he's still alive.

Basically I didn't feel like posting anything because fuck everything.

I've been stuck in Fuck Everything mode since the day we moved up here, and while the situation has perhaps stabilized a bit, this blog has always been on the cheeky, satirical, everything-is-so-LOL side and I have definitely not been in that mindset for a long time.

I'm no good at faking that shit either. "My horse did this funny thing where he OH GOD WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS PLACE but it was funny because I HATE MY MISERABLE LIFEEEEE."

You know what I'm saying?

here's my horse again. all he's been doing is standing around.

So let me recap what you've missed, and what you're going to miss because updates are going to continue to be sparse for awhile longer.

Bobby threw down his worst  dressage test ever at our last show, we didn't get to jump due to monsoons, we moved barns, his hips fell off, my riding bestie came to visit, his hips got put back together, he broke his leg, I had a brief affair with a celebrity, he did a lot of grazing, I had to cancel my trip to Chicago the same day my family's dog had to be put down, I did a hunter pace on a different horse, Bobby un-broke his leg just in time for the vet to arrive and insult his butt, and I was given permission to ride my horse again.

Obviously that will require a more in-depth break down.


Day one of our two day show was dressage. The location got moved to where we had dressage for GVRDC (and garnered a 6th place OTTB ribbon that I picked up this time around) because the ground where it's usually held was too sloppy. That meant Bobby was familiar with the area and we had a ton of room to warm up. Perfect.

Only Bobby said no. Bobby said, "Fuck that noise. Don't touch me, Mr Bit Checker. Don't look at me, Grey Horse. Don't talk to me, Ring Steward. Do not speak out of the window, Lady Judge. Did that flower just move at A? That's it. We are done here."

He was in fine Bobby form, and even threw in a patented "I WILL LITERALLY GO SIDEWAYS AND BACKWARDS OUT OF THIS RING RIGHT NOW" move when I asked him to pick the trot back up halfway through our test.

It was a complete wash, and we scored a 40.6 to get the worst score of our cumulative careers. So much for that secret hope of qualifying for Area I champs...

look at all these cool things we could have jumped!


But there might have been a chance even with that awful, bottom-of-the-board score because it started raining when we were warming up for dressage, and it never stopped. I'd walked the cross country course that Friday after a week of no rain and it was still wet out there. With the rain, I was expecting quite a few people to withdraw.

Unfortunately, we got so much rain that the organizer cancelled cross country and all of the Prelim division completely, and required anyone that still wanted to come out for the stadium to jump in their vests. With that mandate indicating the footing was awful, the fact that it was still raining, and having a horse that's already not the best in stadium, I opted to withdraw myself so as not to give my poor horse a confidence-crashing experience.

Womp, womp.

not just standing, but walking!

New barn

Right after the cancelled show, I moved Bobby to our new barn while picking up another horse along the way. Not for me, sadly. But a girl had just moved to the area from CA (and more specifically from the Riding Warehouse team, whaaat!) and was also moving her new dude to this barn. So I grabbed him, grabbed Bobby, and dumped them both.

Our new barn is amazing. I've only been here two weeks and it already feels like home. It's not as pretty as the last place, but I still get an indoor, an outdoor, and there are little cross country jumps, plus lots of trails to explore. Plus it's just better.

not the best at staying focused long enough to pose for pictures.

Broken, Part I

Unfortunately, I've only ridden my horse once since that fucking dressage test. He managed to take his hips from "Probably need to get adjusted here eventually" to "This horse is too lame behind to do anything with until he gets adjusted."

Fortunately, the barn has a chiro on call. Unfortunately again, he was on his way to FL when BM called and we had to wait a week for him to come out.

looking super thrilled about carting her through the mud

Riding Bestie

Sarah, owner of the Dutch Hippo and frequently featured on this blog usually for falling off the Dutch Hippo, drove all the way up from PA while I was waiting on the chiro and spent the day doing pony things with me. We took Robert on a trail walk, got bullied by Siri while trying to get lunch ("Take us to Taco Bell, Siri. Wait a minute...Siri! This is a weight watchers, you whore!" True story.), went down to the track to watch the NY Oaks and Derby, stopped in to the Mormon temple for a selfie, ate a lot of cupcakes, swam the dogs, ate some more cupcakes, and I sent her on her way.

It was much needed Riding Bestie time.

well hello there.

Broken, Part II

The chiro appointment finally arrived. I grabbed Bobby to give him a quick groom and noticed quickly that his RF leg was blown the fuck up. The chiro adjusted him--all the same spots he's always out in, just worse in the hips this time (Always good when an equine professional who's working on your horse looks at a problem area and goes, "HUH.").

what we're the best at.

Broken, Part III

The barn's farrier was also there, so she dug around to see if she could find any sign of an abscess. Nope! I sweat it overnight, it looked better the next day, I iced it and wrapped it again, it looked miles worse the day after that. I caved and called the vet, but no one could fit me in until Wednesday (that being today!).

So Bobby has spent the last week with an ice boot strapped to his leg for an hour every day while stuffing his face. He doesn't mind the face-stuffing part, but you can tell he's starting to get bored with life. Every time a horse goes by him in tack, he screams his brains off. Sorry, dude. Stop fucking breaking yourself and you could get in on the action, too.


Celebrity Affair

No, I'm just kidding. Look at my doggies instead. Aren't they cute?!

more grazing. every day grazing.

Nom Nom

Literally all my horse has been doing since June 28th.

a much younger thunder puppy and his girlfriend sophie who had to be put down a few years ago

Sorry Chicago

I had long-standing plans to go home so I could stuff my fucking face at the Taste of Chicago all weekend, but when the day I was supposed to leave rolled around, I simply couldn't come up with the money to comfortably get out there. That was pretty depressing as I only get to see my family once a year as it is.

Then, later that same day, my mom called to tell me she had to put our old man dog Thor down due to a ruptured spleen. He was thirteen years old which is a good, long life for a big dog, but we adopted him when I was a junior in high school, so he's been apart of our lives for a really long time. With the loss of my Kelpie last September, having to put Stripes down in May, and my mom having to put her two oldest cats down this year as well, it's been a pretty sucky animal existence for all.

short, fat QH neck. so adorbs.

Hunter Pace

Despite my horse being lame, my wonderful new BM put me on her brand new $10,000 Quarter Horse and told me to take him on the barn's hunter pace last weekend for funsies. I was like, "Wellll....if you really need me to...."

lol, jk. Of course I said yes! I'll take any riding, even if it is a 15hh horse with a barrel wider than if I squished all of Bobby's body into a ball. Ralphie is a western pleasure reject BM is going to turn into a hunter, and he's so obese that he needs to work off an easy hundred pounds before he can really do anything. I've been lucky enough to get to ride him a few times now, and he's such a happy, kind dude.

He did his first ever jumps while we were on the hunter pace, and despite kind of bumbling his way over them, he never said no or got upset about anything. Our group even came in second. That's right. I said group. I have barn friends now, bitches.

the offending booty.

Broken, Part IV

Are we on part four? Somewhere around there. The vet finally made it out this morning, and as horses always do, Bobby's leg looked pretty fucking perfect. Still a little edema around his ankle, and warmer in comparison to the other leg, but you'd be hard pressed to find it if you weren't obsessively looking.

Nevertheless, Vet palpated every tendon and ligament she could in the RF, compared them all to the LF, and then went back and groped the RF some more. She hoof tested him, compared to the other side, and poked him some more. I put him on the longe line both ways, and then we did a full set of flexions on all four legs.

Bobby flexed negative all around up front. Vet was pleased, but thought she'd seen some off-ness in the RH while he was on the longe, and since I was already paying for a lameness exam and this was the first time she's seen him, she went ahead and flexed his hind legs where he flexed positive on both.

We discussed his extensive history with his weak hind end. Since we've moved, we haven't done any hills (as there are none around here), and haven't really been able to trail ride. Plus he hasn't been worked in several weeks and that's never a good thing for his tush. Vet said that's probably why he looks wonky, and she wouldn't worry about it if that's his norm--just put some muscle back on his pathetic backside.

maybe we can do this again this year after all!

The Plan

All that meant I got to skip paying for an ultrasound--this time around. Vet said to start tack walking him Monday. Walk for a week, and then put him on the longe and assess soundness. If he looks good, we can trot for a week, add canter the week after that, and then slowly start jumping again. If he's still off, or if the swelling comes back at any point, it's ultrasound time to see if there's a lesion in there somewhere.

But since the leg resolved itself so well with a week of nothing more than some icing and regular turnout, she doesn't think it's really anything serious. Much better news than I was expecting!

just a few more days, robert!

There's your Poor Woman Showing update. I can't imagine anything more boring to write about than tack walking, plus this is just more work than my brain can handle at the moment, so I'll be back....whenever. If you're really dying to see what Bobby is up to, you can always follow me on instagram or even be my friend on facebook. All you'll get is pony or puppy pictures, but there are worse things.


  1. I was wondering where you'd disappeared off to! Sorry to hear that Bobby is trying to get a summer vacation. Hopefully you two will be back at it in no time.

  2. WOW. Wow. If you lived closer I would take you out for drinks. That is a whole lot of shitty happenings in one post!

  3. It's almost impossible to write when you're in "FUCK EVERYTHING" mode. Glad things are improving and you found a barn, at least.

  4. Actually that wasn't boring at all, I was quite entertained. I have to say I've missed your sarcastic, snarky, cheeky blog posts. So if you want to just bitch about how much you hate everything I'd totally read that. Sorry to hear about your dog. So hard, no matter whether they've lived a long happy life or what. Ugh.

  5. I've missed you, and that recap wasn't boring at all! Glad you and Robert found a better barn, but sorry that he's been on Disability Leave for a few weeks. Keeping my fingers crossed that he heals up soon, and you guys are back to beasting those 4' oxers :)

  6. I live in fuck everything mode now. It's becoming a movement I guess.

  7. ^^^ What Marissa said! Your sarcastic, snarky, cheeky blog posts were missed. I was wondering what you and Bobby were up to. I'm so glad you found a great new barn and new barn friends. Now hurry the F up Bobby and get back in action!

    Also, I *love* the chubby qtr horse turned hunter. Love.

  8. I wholeheartedly second Marissa. You've been missed and I've been hoping beyond hope it wasn't a tragedy.

    SO glad you moved barns and have found a better place. Lord what a difference that makes when we finally find a place we really like and feel at home with.

  9. That was quite an update! I'm glad your new barn feels like home :) Sorry to hear about the broken Robert. I am in a bit of grump right now because I am so frickin broke all the time (thanks three horses).

  10. That is an epically epic update! I'm glad you're back, I love reading your posts. Here's hoping Bobby gets fixed up super quick so you can enjoy your fun new barn!

  11. Great to hear from you again, although I'm sorry it's not all sunshine and rainbows and kittens type news that you had to share with us. Hope you can pull yourself out of the fuck everything zone soon!

  12. You know what? FUCK EVERYTHING about this post. Except barn friends. Barn friends are pretty great.

    Hope things turn around soon. I know I've missed your extreme sarcasm and Bobby's dick-ness.

  13. well hell. Not a whole lot of anything good happening there. Barn friends are nice to have, so yah for that. Sorry Bobby keeps getting broken - they'll do anything to get out of work. Keep us posted. :0)

  14. So glad you now have barn friends, the rest? Well yes. Fuck Everything. Hope you don't disappear for as long as I end up doing, what a bad f'ing blogger I am. Don't follow my path, you are much more entertaining!

  15. It is so hard to write when in that funk, but I find that forcing myself to can help the funk lift temporarily. I'm so glad you're liking the new barn, I'm jelly of the hunter pace, and glad Roberto decided to heal up.

  16. That is most wild update I've read in a while. Dear Robert, get well soon! I get the Fuck Everything. With it being so wet and an abscess before that, I'm there myself. Blahhh

  17. Ugh I am no stranger to odd lameness and a broken horse at the most inopportune times (and more frequently than most!) But glad yours seemed to resolve itself! My mare went through something similar and, if it makes you feel better, it all went away with strengthening work and conditioning.

    I feel the "Fuck everything" mood...except the barn friends of course! Hang in there. There is a silver lining somewhere...maybe just really really hidden near the bottom ;)

    I am excited youre back since fellow blogger recommended I see what youre up to!

  18. Yuck. I'm sorry. I hope Bobby gets his shit together for you soon.

  19. I'm also in "fuck everything" mode. But I love your sense of humor. Here's hoping Bobby comes back better than ever ! (Also, yay for barn friends!)

  20. I'm so so so happy that you found a better barn for you. And with barn friends and obese QH! That's awesome.

    So are your pups.

  21. We just had your exact same vet appointment on Friday. Lame horse is mysteriously not lame, decides to flex positive both hocks. Awesome sauce.

    The new barn looks awesome though, and YAY barn friends- those are the best!

  22. yay for fat QH horses and barn friends and a horse that's not officially broken after all!!! to all the rest tho, fuck it all :(

  23. That wasn't boring at all. I hope bobby continues to improve!


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