Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Phantom Testicles

I bet I get so many awesome page hits off that title. I better, at least.

I took Bobby down to the indoor to ride (Because where the fuck else would I ride at this point, right winter? You fuck face.), and discovered there was a mare in the back pen off the arena. Now Bobby is most definitely a gelding:

see? directly after testicle removal.

But he thinks he's a total stud. He is obsessed with ladies, especially if those ladies are in heat. He was being very polite as I got the longe whip, but I cold tell he wasn't paying attention to me at all. As soon as I got to the middle of the arena and let out the line, he was gone.

this, for fifteen minutes both ways. 

He was determined he was going to woo this lovely mare over to his side. Every time he went by her--when he wasn't bucking or bolting--he'd arch his neck and give her a dreamy look. Please, Bobby. No one thinks you're dreamy. He finally decided he'd done enough showing off to come back to the walk. I tied him while I set up jumps and he kept spooking over absolutely nothing and looking back across the arena at the mare like, "Did you see that? I just jumped so high. My tail was over my head. My ass is quivering. I am so hot." 


Obviously he was not with me once I got on, though to his credit he didn't walk off at the mounting block. I put him right to work, doing canter-halt-back-canter transitions until he decided it was far easier to just get to work for me instead of moon over the mare.

The jumping exercise I had set up was a three stride bending line. See? The first step to working on course work is setting up portions of a course to work on in the tiny indoor. You guys are going to be so impressed with how I worked our way up through this exercise.

First I trotted just the fence on a straight line. I was failing miserably at this, and after a few times of getting left behind or getting too far ahead, I was all, "Really? This is not the time to randomly decide you need to be a pro at trotting fences on a horse that already has serious issues with your lack of jumping skills. Move on."

So I moved on.

it's time for a word vomit break.
here's bobby cleaning up loose hay after it got dropped from the loft above.

We cantered the straight jump, then cantered the "bending" jump, then jumped both from the opposite direction separately. All the while I worked on making sure he came right back to me after the fence instead of just blowing me off for half the arena. Finally, it was time to do the line from the easier direction first. Obviously. Well, it should not surprise you that all my prep work did nothing. 

The first time through, Bobby blew right by the second jump without any semblance of bending. The second time it took about four strides and a trot step to get over it because of the wayward path we took. The third time I was able to muscle him through the three strides. The fourth time, he got it all figured out and cruised through easily.

After big praise, we switched directions and tried again. The first time, I just sat there and stared down both fences like, "Derp. I hope you realize what we're doing because I'm not going to help." He went through in three and a half strides. I sat up and rode the second time and he got it in an easy three. 

I was originally going to raise the jumps significantly since they were only set at 2', but he was being so good despite temptation just feet away that I called it quits. 

The vet comes tomorrow to poke him and give him new teeth so he'll have the next few days off. 

And speaking off balls, guess what Hubby bought me last night?

now i can go places by myself. yay!


  1. All of this post cracked me up. A lot. I just love it all.

  2. I. Am. Dying.

    re: the Bobby video: all I can hear in my head is him going "zoom zoom mothafuckaaaaaas!"

    Also that truck is hot.

  3. Congrats on the truck! And Bobby hasn't gotten Tindr yet for his phone? lol

  4. Congrats on the new truck! And sounds like Bobby needs to work on his wooing skillz.

  5. OOOOH A NEW TRUCK!!!! Congrads!!!

  6. Poor Bobby must be so sad that you don't recognize his skills as a badass

  7. Woohoo new wheels & major lolz @ bobby's mare wooing antics!

  8. I adore this blog, and the way you write about the Bobs! Every post has me cracking up with your commentary :)

  9. Poor Bobby. He just wanted a new girlfriend and you stopped him. :(

  10. Replies
    1. Is that in reference to my horse or my truck? ;)


If you can't say anything nice, fuck off.