Spiraling

Y'all. Not even over my horse for once. He's actually continuing to do really well--we'll get to him in a minute.

I am spiraling over myself. Total menty b. Cried to Hubby. Whined to friends. Pouted on my own. Been through it.

Let me show you why and then we'll break it down.

UGHHHHHHHHHH.

IT'S LIKE NOT RIDING REGULARLY FOR MONTHS ON END REVERTS YOU TO SUCKING AS A RIDER.

AND I WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD TO START WITH, I DID NOT HAVE GROUND TO LOSE HERE.

this is why we all do screenshots, no?

I audited a clinic last winter where the clinician told one of the riders she needed to bounce more in her sitting trot. All of us ammys were like, "Pardon?! You're not supposed to bounce in the saddle!" But her point was the seat needs to be absorbing the motion of the horse's movement, like bouncing on a yoga ball. This ended up being a really great breakthrough for me. My seat stays in the saddle, the hips are loose, I feel locked in to my seat. Only I stopped doing real riding for so long, all my other parts have begun bouncing as well. And I assure you none of those are doing absorption work. They're just bouncing. 

Now, coinciding with my horse going lame this summer, I decided to work on my weight and fitness. Therapy helped a lot with this as it's hard to break the emotional eating and deep, deep depression cycle if you don't bitch slap the root of the problem. But I also wanted to make sure I didn't turn into even more of a garbage human being than I already have in the past five years and become even more of a fat weakling if my horse ever decided to be rideable again. 

In the past five months, I've lost 25lbs through working out and eating less like a toddler with a credit card. I do a ton of pilates and can comfortably run several miles a day. I feel AM stronger, but as Hubby and MB have repeatedly told me, there is no substitute for riding. You can be as strong (and skinny) as you want, but you need the riding miles.

I don't love that as an answer, especially because my riding opportunities rest solely on a horse working through rehab. But it is what it is, so in yesterday and today's rides, I toughened up and made myself focus on me and not just on Opie. My leg is swinging in the wind? Ok, stop. Positive tension. You have abs now--actually you have access to multiple ab muscles! Use them to hold things down. I feel better about that already. Quite frankly I don't know what to do about my boobs bouncing. They're big boobs. Send sports bra recommendations that are on par with a corset I guess. Also I'm allowed to weight my elbows, even if my horse says I'm not.

Enough whining about myself, let's whine about Opie.

He's getting stronger every day, but he is still weak behind. Not surprising, we're just going to keep on keeping on as long as he continues to stay sound and feel better every ride. This is his last ride before he got his SI injections--I was getting video to show the vet, so yes folks, I know he was lame. This is from this past weekend.

The beginning of our rides are always awkward as I navigate what he needs to feel his best, so it's usually a lot of stopping and starting and some lurching around until we both settle into a rhythm and get to work. Plus I have to mentally fight with myself over "Is he doing this because his SI/LH is broken?" versus "Is he doing this because it's one of his go-to evasions?" For instance, this morning he was giving me some drama about me sitting on his right side/putting my right leg on him. He's been doing this for years--it's literally his favorite complaint. 

We've also been working really hard on standing still. Opie haaaaates not doing things. Why take a break when you could be WORKING. His brain is just never quiet. A lot of times when we halt, he immediately starts raging. Much drama, much flinging himself around--he basically turns himself into my body in the sitting trot lolololol. But we're getting there with repetition.

would rather annoy his friends and be covered in
poop than stand patiently

In conclusion, I'm in a weird funk with everything. Me, myself, and my bouncing body....and my horse, my weight, my strength, my abilities, etc. Hopefully the horse keeps improving so I can keep logging the minutes, and by spring not only will I have a sound, strong show horse, I'll be able to ride it without cringing.