Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Home from the holiday.

Ah, yes. Nothing like returning home to three inches of snow and finding out that your heating unit has shit the bed. With my "vacation" history, I'm really not sure how people keep tricking me into leaving the house for more than a few hours. One of these days we're going to come back and find the whole house in flames and my only response will be, "I told you so."

Hubby and I left for my mom's house Wednesday morning. This trip started out with a miracle: Hubby had packed his bag the night before instead of as I was sitting in the car honking.

stripey kitten helped me pack.
I ambitiously stupidly took the first shift, driving us four hours out of Pennsylvania. You'd think a major road like I-80 would be an easy peasy cruise, right? Well, I'm pretty sure 80 is the only interstate in the country that has ninety degree turns around the tops of hills (I know better than to call them mountains, west coasters!) with no signs of warning. Something like, "Slow down--your dumb ass is about to go careening off a guard rail-free cliff side" would have been helpful. Just throwing that out there, PA.

Hubby jetted across Ohio in well under the four hours it usually takes me by doing an admirable ninety miles an hour the entire way. I'm pretty sure the front tires of my poor Saturn weren't on the road most of the time. Loaded with duffel bags, dog food, people food, books, and various other random shit I feel the need to bring with me (overpacking doesn't even begin to describe it), I think there was more weight in the trunk of the car than ever before. The Saturn was like one of those poor donkeys you see in some third world country that are so loaded down, they're hanging from their carts.

Indiana and the short jag of Illinois before we got home were uneventful and we pulled into my mom's driveway to loose the puppies upon her. My mom has two dogs as well--a black German Shepherd/Lab mix and a yellow Border Collie/Lab mix whose body parts don't match each other.

gary (named after the snail in sponge bob) and thor.
My mom had promised us Red Lobster for dinner that night as it was right next to our hotel, so we reloaded our dogs and headed over. After a relatively awkward dinner in which the waiter seemed to think that my mom and I were the only people on the planet that ate crab legs and thought we might like crab for desert as well (??), and a lack of.... lobster of all things for Hubby, we checked into our room and prepared to pass out.

Now, I feel as though I can safely say that every one of you readers lives with or has lived with a male at some point. Right? Whether it's a brother, father, boyfriend, or husband, there has been a male presence in your bathroom. How many of you know where this is leading?

I jumped into bed and snuggled in with my puppies as Hubby shut the door to the way-too-close bathroom. I was kind of sort of watching t.v. when I heard the most incredible noise from the bathroom. It was a like a dying trumpet. A jet engine taking off. The exhaust on a souped-up diesel truck. Perhaps a small atomic bomb had just exploded.

I don't know how security wasn't called.

I'm pretty sure this fart had made Hubby levitate off the toilet. I have never heard such a thing in my life. There was a brief pause before I tentatively called, "Are you okay?" There was an affirmative and he emerged shortly after, completely blase. I made sure to keep a pillow between us for the night. That sound was not human.

 Thanksgiving morning, Hubby and I took Emily, Darcy, and Thor for a two mile loop at the Kane County Forest Preserve. (Gary is afraid of life and wasn't invited.) Thor was totally gung-ho for the first half mile, pulling my arm out to pee on every blade of prairie grass and completely ignoring my "HEEL!" command. Ninety seven pounds of fat, naughty dog is not a fun walk and we finely had to have a reminder session on why he can do as he pleases with my mom and brother, but I trained his beastly ass and he damn well better remember every single command I ever muttered to him. He was quite pleasant after that tune up.

By the first mile, he was starting to care less about peeing on things and care more about where the road back to the car was. By a mile and a half, his leash was dragging on the ground as he plodded along beside me. By the second mile, he was weaving around like a drunkard. We let him have a little break while Darcy and Emily, who weren't even panting, ran around off leash for awhile. I hate people who don't exercise their animals. Why do you have a large, active breed dog when you don't want to do anything with him? He's not a piece of furniture!

another of my mom's obese animals: bear, a brother
to my cat, oscar. bear weighs 22lbs. oscar weighs 10.
Ok, end animal obesity rant. Yuck.

Friday, Hubby and I joined my mom for some shopping. Here's something you need to understand about my mother: she's an upper-middle class single mom who has an amazing job that brings home an amazing pay check and she has no one to spend it on the majority of the time but herself and my 20yo brother who still lives at home. She's also the type of person that feels important/wanted when she's able to buy people things. I've certainly "taken advantage" of this in the past as she's lent me some serious money before, but I've been living on my own since I was 18 and I try to maintain some semblance of responsible, independent adult at all times.

So when she emailed me to ask what I wanted for Christmas (I get a $200 allowance from both her and my dad every Christmas--helmet cam from my dad this year!), I told her it was a toss up between real people clothes (as opposed to holey t-shirts that double as barn clothes and mingling with civilization clothes) and Bobby's ulcer meds. I had penciled in Bobby's meds for the end of December, but that would be $175 less I would have to pay myself. And who really needs real clothes anyway? She replied that we'd do some clothes shopping anyway while I was home, and wrote out a check for the meds. Merry Christmas!

Um, no. The crazy woman is also buying me a Kindle. I have no desire for a Kindle. I love me a good old fashioned paperback that I can abuse. Where she got the idea, I have no clue. She wouldn't listen to me saying that I don't want/need/desire the thing either. "You'll love it! I love my Kindle!" Does that give you some perspective on the type of person she is?

Because most people would be blown away when Hubby jokingly picked up a long sought-after $300 chainsaw at Blaine's Farm and Fleet and thirty minutes we walked out of the store with it for Hubby's Christmas present.

bling's favorite holiday is christmas.

We attempted clothes shopping next. First was JCP where I frowned upon the neon colored skinny jeans and oddly shaped sweaters. I complained that I couldn't wear any of the shirts there because the straps of my sports bra would show. My mom gave a sideways look and suggested that, since I'm 25, perhaps I'd like to invest in a couple of real bras? Psh. What a silly idea. Especially when she asked me what size we were looking for and I was like, "..........." You know, sports bra size!

Perhaps I am not the hippest person on the planet.

We tried Kohl's next where I zeroed in on a replacement pair of moccasins for my "one last gasp from death" pair. See? We're clothes shopping! My mom made me pick up a bunch of shirts that I dragged into the fitting room and returned every single one.

Here's why, aside from the basic neccissites of underwear, socks, and the occasional "strap your boobs flat against your chest with an elastic band" type bra, I never buy clothes. I have a massive ass, birthing woman hips, porn star boobs, and Olympic swimmer shoulders that somehow have to work with a Victorian lady's waist. Clothes do no fit me. I sympathy cry with the women on What Not to Wear. You're damn right that shirt doesn't fit you, lady! When you're shaped like part gazelle, part hippo, nothing fits you!

I did manage to snag two new pairs of jeans that will undoubtably be washed thirty shades lighter by spring and permanately smell of horse within a month, a nondescript brown sweater, and a purple fleece. Not what I would call success and I was feeling pretty depressed about the state of clothes. And can I just say that if teenagers actually wear the shit that was on sale, they're all little whores? Whores!

 Saturday, Hubby and I spent the day in the Field Museum--my favorite. I had a minor melt down when I felt as if we were lost in the Hall of Birds and I'd never see natural light again, but we miraculously segwayed into Africa and navigated out of a slave ship and back into the main hall.

here's how i feel about getting my picture taken.
We studied Bobby's long ago relative, the apatosaurus. We went through the Extreme Mammals exhibit and Hubby and I both had little-girl squeals when we found out that dire wolves had been real. (!!!) Then we had a little-girl giggle about the statue holding his giant penis in Egypt:

hee hee hee.

Finally, on Sunday, we spent an hour in a half priced bookstore where I restocked my tape collection (Saturns don't even give a fuck about twentyth century technology) with such classics as Elvis Christmas, The Sound of Music soundtrack, and Stevie Ray Vaughn. My taste in music is about as superb as my taste in clothes.

We then attempted one last attack on "Clothe Carly" by invading Old Navy. Do you know what Old Navy has? A women's tall line! For tall, funnily-shaped people! Which means that now I have fancy clothes that people won't mind being seen with me in. Victory is mine. Take that 6'6" tall and abnormaly thin Dad and 5'11" tall and square-shaped Mom. Your genetics can be defeated by a mint green sweater.


  1. wooop wooop glad that you managed to get some clothes, I can never find clothes to wear either cause im such an odd shape,I have a tiny waist that is not in propertion with the rest of me so jeans never fit me! You should see some of the thing that teenage girls (not including me i live in my riding stuff) wear here in the uk

  2. I HATE clothes shopping. HATE. My brain always tries to tell me I am still an aneorxic twig so I grab some clothes that look great on a mannequin, try them on, and then leave the store in a great depression, not returning for months and months.Many years ago I went to school for fashion, I am wondering what the hell happened to me...
    I did make the comment to my hubby that I don't have nearly enough cameo clothing...I'm guessing you know exactly what I was watching at the time. When you live in rural North Dakota, you can be quite fashionable in cameo and snowmobile jackets.

  3. Fun times!!

    I also hate clothes shopping. I have a super long torso, ape like arms, and stubby lil midget legs. Pants? Yeah, forget it. All shirts look like low rise on me, and let's just say that doesn't need to happen. Ever.

    Sounds like a fun trip aside from the homecoming adventure. :)

  4. You can send that Kindle my way! I have been begging for one for a while now, but haven't been able to justify spending the money myself.

    I hate clothes shopping as well, I am ashamed to admit that I let my mother do it for me.

    I am jealous that you got to the Field Museum. We spent four days in Chicago over Thanksgiving and we ran out of time. I really wanted to see the extreme mammals exhibit.

  5. Hahaha, this post had me laughing all over the place. I used to be fashionable... I think... atleast, I had some semblance of how to look decent and put a nice outfit together. However, a combination of riding, and my last year of university means my fashion sense had no chance. I often catch myself smelling my clothes to see if they are "too horsey smelling" to wear out in public. I've also starting wearing a poncho that makes me look like a flat chested pregnant bat pretty regularly. what can ya do?!

  6. OMG - you had me laughing out loud (which isn't so good when you are supposed to be working)!!!

    Love 'What Not to Wear' - I always threaten my family to never nominate me for that show because they would take away all my barn clothes.

  7. You are FUNNEEE! I am a clothes whore and find its all about fit and not size. I can run the gammet from a size 4 at Banana, to an XL at Forever 35 ;) Whatevs.
    My barn clothes is summer, I look like a slut. In winter, I look homeless but a warm homeless. I really want to step it up a notch because I think people think I work in snow removal when I pump my gas.....lol

  8. I felt the same way about Kindles. I liked paperbacks! I really did! But I borrowed my husband's a few times and promptly declared that he had to buy me one too. So easy to read, so easy to hold over your head while you lay on the couch, so easy to tote all the books with you... all hail Kindle.

    Also, have you tried Wrangler Aura jeans? They're not anything close to ~cool~ but they will fit over your hips/butt AND close around your tiny waist. I don't even own any other jeans. Order a size down.


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